Mar, I've wanted to write for the past few days, but kept backing off. The truth is I'm not really here on the boards much anymore, and I hate to be only semi-present.
I wanted to say hi, as another lesbian on the boards. There are not many of us. I'm glad you found Wonka's threads. They were the best I found in all the history and helped me immensely. I think I read every one. The tone of the board has changed over the years and I always appreciated Wonka's very balanced perspective, and nuanced approach to each individual scenario. I think that is important to remember: there is a script, there are general guidelines and phrases you will hear repeated over and over. But each situation is nuanced, and you know it best. It's a tough balance between knowing your own sitch the best, and not falling into the "oh no, MY sitch is WAY different than anyone else" head-in-the-sand approach.
I like what Core wrote to you. Do not beat yourself up over what you "should" have done. We all make decisions based on the information we had at the time. Your perspective has changed, but I don't think anything you did was "wrong". You just act differently going forward with your new information.
Your W has gaslighted you. Don't feel guilt over your own actions just because she made you feel like you were the crazy one. Gently bring your mind back every time you start feeling like it was all your fault. I always liked reminding myself that "I'll take my 50% of the blame, and leave the other 50% to her". It helped me.
If I might suggest a path forward: go slow. Take your time, do not make rash decisions or blanket statements. Try to do more listening than talking. This has two benefits. 1) In the event you both decide down the road to reconcile, listening is the best path there. But more immediately 2) Listening gives you insight. With her making YOU feel like you are crazy you should pause before trusting any of her decisions. If it turns ugly (and I truly hope it does not) you are best armed with information on things she says/offers. Speaking less right now might be your best way to protect yourself both emotionally and later legally. You state you have children. Be there for them. Show up for yourself. Lean in to whatever brings you comfort, and work on accepting that you won't have any final answers for a very, very long time. You embrace the chaos for now, and embrace the unknown. Every time you look ahead and see two paths a mysterious third option will show itself that you didn't see coming.
I wish you small moments of peace in all of this. You are so strong.
