Need advice on stubborn W

[AKuei]

Thanks BL.

Today is rough and I'm on the verge of breaking down. The conversation with the W kept replaying on my head. The NGS in me kept asking myself what went wrong? I guess a few things went wrong especially that push message. Now I just need to dust it off and take it one step at a time.

I still have a lot of fear in me that I'm still trying to get rid of. Mostly it's around the fact that my kids won't have a complete family with her out of the picture.

Laws over here in my country are favoring women. I'm financially stable but my wife isn't as her MLC-type spending habits are quite out of control. If we do the D route I supposed I will be liable to pay quite some alimony. And custody-wise, it's usually favoring the women as well.

I'm thinking of starting to engage a L to discuss my options. It feels like a ticking time bomb now; not sure when the W will announce that she will move out. If may be in a few days, a few weeks or a few months. Who knows?

We are supposed to head to the beach this coming saturday to spend some time with the kids together but now I'm not sure if I want her to be there.

[BL42]

I still have a lot of fear in me that I'm still trying to get rid of. Mostly it's around the fact that my kids won't have a complete family with her out of the picture.

Yes, I'm lamenting that loss for them (and me as well). Unfortunately we don't have any control of it.

Laws over here in my country are favoring women. I'm financially stable but my wife isn't as her MLC-type spending habits are quite out of control. If we do the D route I supposed I will be liable to pay quite some alimony. And custody-wise, it's usually favoring the women as well.

I'm thinking of starting to engage a L to discuss my options.

Yes, you absolutely should do that ASAP. There is no downside - why not at least find out where you stand legally in case the worst happens.

[AKuei]

Journaling

Close to a week since she started the separation messages. We are back to being cordial and friendly and she didn't bring up any R talks at all.

Now my mind is not replaying that scene that frequently but the only nagging inner question remain; "When is she going to make her next move?" I shouldn't even be giving oxygen to this thought but I'm struggling to get it out of my head.

She joined me to visit a post wedding celebration of a buddy of mine which i extended the invite to her before that incident. All went well, had fun with the kids at the beach, she was talking to me on a whole range of topics from covid to her recent outing with her colleagues (she and her colleagues (all males) tried to walk 36 clicks coast to coast in a single day, failed though).

She interacted well with my buddies; talking mostly about her new tattoos. My buddies knew about my situation but kept their cool and did not rip off her face at the spot because they respected me and what I'm doing right now (standing for the marriage).

She also had a minor covid scare as she received a notification from our health ministry that she was in a vicinity of a covid patient while she was out shopping as part of contact tracing efforts. Here's the thing that baffled me; she was advised to stay home and work from both the government ministry and HR but this morning, she left the house with her laptop, which i assumed she is opting to work anywhere else other than at home with me.

I'm working in my study room, door closed and I am not harassing her in any way whatsoever. Am i that repulsive? Or maybe she's off to meet OM to work together, who knows?

Just simply cannot understand why she's rebelling so much. Is that her way to portray her regressive teenager expression?

[ovrrnbw]

She's seems very selfish, a common trait in WW's. I wouldn't bother trying to understand her. Good things happen to people who work hard to make their life better, are you GAL? Are you improving as a person?

You need to refocus your train of thought on to yourself. Leave her be. In the simplest terms, she isn't your woman anymore. Act accordingly.

[AKuei]

Thank for hammering me back to my senses Ovrr. My train of thoughts had derailed and this was just what I needed.

She's not my women anymore and I have to act accordingly.

And yes I'm GAL-ing more than ever. Heck, I'm doing even more things now than I was younger (i guess i have more disposable income too haha). Muay thai, engaged a personal trainer, going for excursions with the kids, cooking a hell lot more frequently, reading and hanging out with my buddies, etc, etc. Going to sign up for a boat license this month as well...

I'm also seeing a therapist once a month too to work on myself. And most of all, re-reading the plethora of valuable advice in this forum.

I think it has come to a point that my kids are so attached to me that my W felt dejected at time. Thus my assumption that she wants to "let me have the kids if she moves out".

I'm slowly and surely detaching and making myself happy instead of depending on my W. I've been mr nice guy for too long and I've lost myself. In fact, I'm actually leaning towards being grateful to my W for creating this saga that allowed me to understand how lousy as a person I was back then (fat, ignorant, didn't spend enough time with the kids, low self-esteem, etc).

It's a marathon, not a sprint.

[AKuei]

Seeking advice here from the vets before i make my next move:

My kids told me today that the W was talking to them about her moving out and coming up with a sort of arrangements of picking them up from school. All without my knowledge.
Should I confront her about it? I don’t like the fact that she’s talking to the kids about such serious matters behind my back. It seems like she’s hell bent on moving out.

My D6 told me she agreed to let my W do that because she thought it's only for 1 day. I told her it might not be that case and it kinda hit her like a truck and quickly said no she doesn't want that. My D4 told her vehemently no way she wants that to happen.

I don't agree to this action of hers; trying to gather consensus vote from the kids behind my back. I felt a lot of anger right now but I'm telling myself not to blow my top. I have to be calm and collected in face of this adversity.

Need some enlightenment on this please...

[SteveLW]

Seeking advice here from the vets before i make my next move:

My kids told me today that the W was talking to them about her moving out and coming up with a sort of arrangements of picking them up from school. All without my knowledge.
Should I confront her about it? I don’t like the fact that she’s talking to the kids about such serious matters behind my back. It seems like she’s hell bent on moving out.

My D6 told me she agreed to let my W do that because she thought it's only for 1 day. I told her it might not be that case and it kinda hit her like a truck and quickly said no she doesn't want that. My D4 told her vehemently no way she wants that to happen.

I don't agree to this action of hers; trying to gather consensus vote from the kids behind my back. I felt a lot of anger right now but I'm telling myself not to blow my top. I have to be calm and collected in face of this adversity.

Need some enlightenment on this please...

So what is the outcome you are looking for in confronting her? Do you think she will be remorseful, apologize and agree not to do it again? Or do you think she will be defiant, unapologetic and tell you to go kick rocks? Do you just want to express your dissatisfaction at her actions?

The reasons I ask these questions is that LBSs often think they can get the moral high ground in these exchanges. The problem is that the WAS doesn't care about who is right and who is wrong. They care about how they feel. She felt she needed to talk to the kids about this. You jumping up and down and screaming and yelling about it will not change that. And you have no power to enforce any "I don't like the fact that you are talking to the kids about serious matter behind my back". Her attitude is likely "So what! I can talk to my kids about anything I want!"

So think about outcomes, because you likely aren't going to get the outcome you desire. And confronting her on this may just make things worse.

So, IF she brings anything up about this "plan" you can tell her "Yes, D6 mentioned that you said something about this to her. I'd prefer if you and I discussed these things before involving the kids." Simple. To the point. Let's her know that you disagree with what she did. But it is non-confrontational, and it doesn't seem like you are coming down on her for it.

AK, what I can tell you is that if your sitch ends in D, there will be a lot of things you "don't like" and they you "do not agree with". Introducing your kids to an OM. Etc. If you make a federal case of every one of those then you will come across as weak and petty. Unless the kids are endangered in some way, then pick your battles. Is this discussion with your girls really a hill you want to die on?

[AKuei]

Steve, I can't express enough my gratitude on your support on my sitch.

You are so right in so many things. I guess I'm still in the thick of the fog because if I'm not decisive in this kind of situation it still means I'm still a long way to go from detaching and DBing.

I'm reading from the other thread that we LBSs should come to this board before we want to make any stupid moves and then we have heroes like you to talk us down the ledge. This truly works.

I will follow your advice religiously and carry on with my GAL and 180s. I have a lot of work to do even though I keep feeling time isn't on my side.

[SteveLW]

Steve, I can't express enough my gratitude on your support on my sitch.

You are so right in so many things. I guess I'm still in the thick of the fog because if I'm not decisive in this kind of situation it still means I'm still a long way to go from detaching and DBing.

I'm reading from the other thread that we LBSs should come to this board before we want to make any stupid moves and then we have heroes like you to talk us down the ledge. This truly works.

I will follow your advice religiously and carry on with my GAL and 180s. I have a lot of work to do even though I keep feeling time isn't on my side.

AK, I applaud you for asking before acting! Always good, something I did poorly in my own sitch.

Hopefully, the vets of the board will weigh in too. In general I think confronting about stuff like this a bad idea. But there are those that are smarter than me that can help too.

[AKuei]

Need advice again on how to respond to my W. I feel that she's trying to bait me to react.

It's going to be her birthday tomorrow and all of a sudden she dropped me a message saying that she won't be returning home tonight. She has stayovers previously in the weekends and this is the first time she's blatantly doing it on a work day. Ok, given that the next day is her birthday she might have plan something out with other people in her life.

When i saw that message, my heart hurts and I barely managed to stop myself from spewing all my words onto the phone. I wanted to messaged back "Why are you doing all these? Are you trying to prove a point? What will the kids think about you not being at home? You want to spend your time with your OM? Be my guest... yada yada yada..."

Or should i just replied with a short "OK." Will that do? Will that be considered being aloof?

I was planning to get her a card and a cake chosen by the kids tomorrow. Now i'm having second thoughts about this...

Some help please.