Oh, and let me also say... H's behavior is really erratic. I think he is maybe depressed. He swings back and forth between being nice and being a total duck, like back to the days of alien H duck-ness in the first year of the A.
This is hard to share, but it sounds like H is mourning the end of the A. Moments of niceness (he chose this! He wants to make this work!) to resentment (May forced me! It's all her fault!) are bouncing around in his amygdala-driven mind right now. As you have chosen to stick this out for the time being, seek the long-view and don't analyze his every move. Remember when your girls were picky toddlers and the pediatrician said to not worry about whether they had a varied diet in a day, but instead to look at their diet over the course of a couple of weeks? Do that. (Maybe your girls were dream children who ate everything you put in front of them from day one, if so, lucky you(!) but I am sure you can still get the analogy.)
Originally Posted by may22
He flamed at me that I say I clean up but we have different standards of cleanliness, the reason he's telling me is because when he had problems in our relationship in the past I complained that he hadn't told me (he's referring to the SSM) so here, he's telling me. He can't live like this. I just walked away. It is infuriating as I have been doing 100% of the cleaning, I'm vacuuming every day because of the kittens, picking up after him and the kids and the cats, I can't recall the last time I saw him pick up or vacuum, dust, or clean the bathrooms (he does clean up the kitchen but maybe 25% of the time)-- and somehow I have lower cleanliness standards than he does.
This is triggering for me, because my supposed lack of cleanliness was on the initial list of Things H Didn't Like About Sage at BD. Which infuriated me because of course the house would be spotless if I actually had his help in keeping it clean. Do not take it personally, validate without anger, but keep an eye on the length of Things That Bother H About May. When things start to add up and become nonsensical, maybe it's time to reevaluate which wolf inside him he is feeding and what you want to do about that.
The middle chunk of your post feels like you have too many expectations of H right now. Where is the May that dropped the rope and is going to be an observer and see where this goes? I know it's hard to be WFH and in each other's space every second, but just let his mopey toddler tantrum self fester in his own mopey toddler tantrum pool right now. The birthday party was a perfect time to GAL-- he got the texts, he knew the deal, you just get those sweet girls on out the door and let him explain his absence to the neighbors and his daughters. Stay in your lane and let him suffer his own consequences in his.
Originally Posted by may22
I see him wallowing in this self-pity and belief that his life is so awful, and it makes me mad, especially when I think about this being all of his own making and his total focus on feeling sorry for himself rather than on what he's done to me. Frankly I am losing the last shreds of respect I had for him. He can't even get his head out of his own @ss enough to take a look at the situation we're in and work to make it better. He is just a sad, sorry sack.
Yes, he is a sad sorry sack. But (2x4 warning) you chose to live with him for now, which means you are forced to witness it all in live-time. Which I think is why so many people suggested a real trial S-- in that situation you only see H on his best behavior. It is totally OK to vent here and have so much anger surrounding H and the affair and his endless self-pity, so please understand that I am giving you a re-frame rather than chiding you. I mean, you read my anger post, right? ANGRY. I see you, May.
Originally Posted by may22
Anyway, advice on how to deal with this, understanding I'm not, today, asking him to leave. I just need to figure out how to maneuver around him in my house without letting it affect my mood or work...
Your mood and the quality of your work is on you, not on H. Do you condone his behavior? NO. But he is not in charge of your mood. Be angry, let his behavior get to you, feed that bad wolf inside of you. Or, don't. Drop any expectation of him and just jolly on your way, knowing that once that prenup's signed, you have all the options in the world.
Originally Posted by may22
...but also, there is a part of me that doesn't want to let him get away with this kind of behavior. Is that just my control peeking back out and setting up a parental dynamic that we need to get away from?
No, that is a normal reaction to his behavior. Unfortunately, again, you have no control over H. You need to set boundaries up for YOU that protect you from his pathetic-ness right now. Re-read Alison's posts when her H was home, but not being such a good guy, that girl and her boundaries are pretty amazing.
Originally Posted by may22
He can act like an @ss as much as he wants as long as it doesn't affect me or the kids? And/or, if he's really going through some sort of withdrawal/grief/loss process, should I have more compassion for him?
Boundaries will protect you and the kids. And funnily enough, the few boundaries I have put into place for myself have led to me feeling more compassion for H. Because what a horrible place to live, in the head of our H's, and all their resentment (aka self-hatred, shame and guilt). And boundaries can be SO compassionate. Here's one for you to try on for size: H, I can see that you are struggling right now. We are navigating a lot of tough territory as individuals and as a couple. But I am easily triggered at the moment and will avoid interactions with you when you are in this mood. And then when he does a mood, you act super calm and super nice and just walk away and stay away until his mood has changed.
