From the other side (#10)

[Gerda]

Dear SBJ, my heart is aching for you. What a week of blows, and what a testament to your faith that you keep turning to God and seeking His peace. The re-"marriage" is not a marriage and whatever it is will not last, but how awful to have to know about it. (No contact has been a blessing to me -- and complicates my relationship with my D11, who is like a conduit into all the darkness I have been able to avoid with no contact.) I am so so sorry about your friend, and hope your stepdad is okay.

Yesterday I spoke to a priest I know who lived briefly in my city and then moved away -- and he told me not to be afraid of the cross I had to carry, not to try to escape it or deny it, just to pick it up and walk with courage and faith that I would not be carrying it alone, that the burden would eventually feel light. I know this intellectually but it was powerful to hear that, just to realize how often I am desperately trying to shake free of this burden or to solve it. Now that I am pro se, I actually have to do a lot of working and strategizing and dealing with court and so it's hard not to think I can just work hard enough and I will finally be able to control things. I am not sure I can have that kind of faith to just carry the cross without trying to get rid of it, but I am sure I would have a lot of peace if I could.

Sending lots of love.