May, sorry that you are dealing with a whiny teenage boy currently.
I do want to say that I definitely understand not wanting to tell IRL people about what's going on - I felt that way about IRL people and also here for a while, because it just gets exhausting going from unloading about how H is being a butth0le to then having to defend H, especially to people that you know care about you, since they want to see you not be in a painful situation anymore so want you to exit ASAP. I think it's good you told at least one IRL person, and your IC obv. I asked my H not to tell anyone (I can see him getting drunk and emotional and talking about it), and I said I didn't want to tell anyone, either, but I did tell a mutual friend (I told him I was going to talk to her about it before I did, because I felt I needed more support at that point in time, and I knew I could get it from her without judgment). My H and I had several long talks about "friends of the marriage" that you have also probably read about in Gottman books, and that has helped both of us a lot.
It sounds frustrating for you to see your H mope around and throwing himself a pity party. That takes a lot of emotional bandwidth, and I am sure you'd rather him use that bandwidth in more productive ways. I don't think I have any actual advice - my knee jerk is to say just leave him alone and let him act like a mopey man, but I wonder if he will use this as another example of how you don't "see" him. (which, to diverge, is frustrating to read about b/c it's ridiculous. It reads as though he doesn't feel "seen" because you don't agree with him or what he wants to do - like, you can see him/understand a situation but still not agree with it. Like he'd feel seen if you complied with his "reasonings" or whatever). I do think it'd best to steer clear in the vein of him handling his own emotions and not dumping them on you like he has in the past. Is he expecting you to feel sorry for him here? I know you know what he is going through right now is a reflection of him, and not you, but functionally day to day that can affect you, esp if you're having to step in when he is a turd to your girls. I think as long as you are steering clear and ensuring that you are not an outlet for rage/frustration right now, that'd be beneficial.
