How am I going to do this? Should I do this?

[may22]

hi Mar,

I'm so sorry this is happening. Know that there is a wonderful community here of folks who have gone through and are currently going through really similar situations.

I want to second what others have said about taking care of yourself physically and mentally. Do whatever you have to do to carve out time for sleep and self-care. My IC has referred to it as going into power-saver mode-- use what energy you have first and foremost to take care of yourself and just don't worry about the other stuff right now. Don't beat yourself up for anything you might have said or done in the past. None of that matters. Let it go and worry about today-- that is enough, don't you think?

I also want to add my voice as well to calling out the gaslighting and how truly horrible this therapist is. Please, do not listen to any of that garbage. As Yail says (Yail is very, very wise) trust yourself and listen to your gut.

I also have an ambivalent cake-eater in the house with lots of flip-flopping over the past nine months... it hasn't been fun. (We're currently on R attempt #3, and it has taken a long time for my H to really understand if we want our M to work, then she has got to be out of our lives forever.)

I would say take the time you need to know in your heart what you want. Don't draw a line or make an ultimatum you aren't ready to enforce-- that has been a hard one for me. I've held for the longest time that I won't work on a M with a third party in the picture at all, but I haven't been ready to say I won't BE in an M and kick him out if he can't let go of the AP (so far). However, I've come a long way and am getting to a place where I'm authentically OK being on my own. Having a harder time wrapping my head around what is best for the kids, but I know I could do it if I need to.

Today she tells me, the T told her not to jump into a separation or even begin contemplating a divorce until we sincerely attempt to transition our R into something new if possible.

Wondering what might be meant by this? My H went through a phase of "maybe this is just the next evolution of our relationship" (meaning, we are best friends and co-parents while he is living with AP)... is this where she's headed here? I ended up setting a boundary of not not listening anymore to his fantasy scenarios or how he feels about her, which has really helped me.

Hang in there, Mar. You've got this. My #1 piece of advice is self-care, right now.