A day at a time

[may22]

Oh, and let me also say... H's behavior is really erratic. I think he is maybe depressed. He swings back and forth between being nice and being a total duck, like back to the days of alien H duck-ness in the first year of the A. He had been doing a lot more in terms of cooking/cleaning since back in Feb., and that has all gone away in the last week.

Last night he started to do the dishes after dinner (I hadn't said anything, but I'd cooked three meals and cleaned up after the first two) and then went into a rant about how the house was so messy, he wouldn't have agreed to the kittens if he realized they would have so much stuff (toys) around the house, he can't live like this anymore. I listened and validated and said I agree, I'd like our house to be cleaner, if you helped clean up too then our house would be spotless. (Should I have let that last part go?)

He flamed at me that I say I clean up but we have different standards of cleanliness, the reason he's telling me is because when he had problems in our relationship in the past I complained that he hadn't told me (he's referring to the SSM) so here, he's telling me. He can't live like this. I just walked away. It is infuriating as I have been doing 100% of the cleaning, I'm vacuuming every day because of the kittens, picking up after him and the kids and the cats, I can't recall the last time I saw him pick up or vacuum, dust, or clean the bathrooms (he does clean up the kitchen but maybe 25% of the time)-- and somehow I have lower cleanliness standards than he does.

But, I didn't respond. He had a few other snippy comments for me until I told him to please cool it and take it down a notch. He went to bed early. Kids started in-person school this week (crazy and scary also) and I came home from dropping them off, he is sitting on the couch watching a baseball game instead of working, with dishes all over the kitchen from the breakfast he cooked for himself while I was gone.

Last night was also our neighbor's D8 (now D9)'s birthday, she asked if we could do the cake with her outside. H was watching TV and was totally not responding to our neighbor's texts until finally I said, you need to do this. This is about (little girl) and her BIRTHDAY. She wants to share it with us and her kids. She can't have a real birthday party. Get your @ss up and come participate. He said, I hate you (in a fake joking way) and came.

Anyway. I'm struggling with how to handle this angry a-hole living in my house. So far I've been mostly ignoring it and walking away if necessary. He's yelled the kids and I've intervened if I thought necessary, though not in a way that challenged him directly.

In the past (like when he acted like this during the A) I would get so angry-- seeing the dishes he'd leave in the sink instead of just putting them into the dishwasher would send me into a fury, and if I ended up doing them so that I could cook dinner, I'd just be so frustrated and angry the whole time. Then I got to a place where I didn't really care that much and that's where I've been-- if I see dishes in the sink and I want them cleaned, I clean them without worrying about who might have left them there. If I don't need them cleaned, I leave them and he'll generally get to them later on. (Guess my low cleanliness standards are really shining through there! )

I don't want to go back to the angry me regarding the day-to-day stuff, though-- life is too short and I just don't really care that much about dishes. I want to save my anger for the good stuff, like, you know, lies and betrayal.

I see him wallowing in this self-pity and belief that his life is so awful, and it makes me mad, especially when I think about this being all of his own making and his total focus on feeling sorry for himself rather than on what he's done to me. Frankly I am losing the last shreds of respect I had for him. He can't even get his head out of his own @ss enough to take a look at the situation we're in and work to make it better. He is just a sad, sorry sack.

Anyway, advice on how to deal with this, understanding I'm not, today, asking him to leave. I just need to figure out how to maneuver around him in my house without letting it affect my mood or work... but also, there is a part of me that doesn't want to let him get away with this kind of behavior. Is that just my control peeking back out and setting up a parental dynamic that we need to get away from? He can act like an @ss as much as he wants as long as it doesn't affect me or the kids? And/or, if he's really going through some sort of withdrawal/grief/loss process, should I have more compassion for him?