A day at a time

[may22]

Sage, thank you... that warms my heart I feel I need constant reminders, also, to keep the focus on me, what serves me best today, releasing control over what may or may not be going on in my H's thick head.

I do feel a little bit of societal disapproval will surface with my choice to stay in this M after what H has done. (It even comes across on this forum.) I know my friends and family care about me, first and foremost, and I feel like it would be easy to tell them and lean on them if we are S. I feel it would be much more complicated if I tell them and I'm staying.

Alison, thank you-- I have told one friend IRL, back in January, and she is an absolute lifesaver for me. (I think you or others encouraged me to do it back then, and I'm so glad I did.) She calls or texts just to check in on me, and I feel she is 100% there for me while also respecting my choices. I told H that I'd told her this last go-round, and he said that made him feel really uncomfortable that she knows. Too bad-- I have zero guilt about this. And, I am beyond glad that I have her to lean on. Her H also cheated on her and they're now D, and so she understands a lot of what I'm going through.

The other friend who I really want to tell, whom I feel the most dishonest with, is my other closest female friend. We have talked about our relationships for hours and she knows a lot of H's MLC-like behavior and the SSM, but not about the A. We have traveled together during the time of the A when H was in his alien mode and she and her H witnessed some pretty awful behavior of H's towards me, and she asked me about it later, how she and her H should handle it if it happened again (I'd suggested we drive a particular route to go somewhere, everyone agreed, traffic ensued, and he threw a total sh!t fit, blaming me for the traffic, he knew it was a bad idea, blah blah blah. It was really embarrassing and in the moment I just let him rant and ignored it. But this was like two and a half years ago, before I knew anything about the A, ILYBINILWY, etc.)

I really don't think I can tell her if I stay with H. We are close couple friends and even if she understands my choice, the situation with the kids, etc.-- which I think she would and would be supportive-- her H's dad had an A and left his mom for the OW, and he's been scarred by it his whole life. They cut off communication with her H's brother for a time when it turned out he'd cheated on his wife. Her H will probably want to beat the $hit out of my H and I know it will ruin our family friendship forever. Our girls are close friends and I just feel like it won't be the same with them anymore. Also, I love her dearly, but she can't keep a secret if her life depended on it. So I think I might have to look elsewhere for another confidant if I want another perspective.

Thanks for continuing to support and push me, guys.

xx M