Need advice on stubborn W

[SteveLW]

Thanks Steve.

She came in like a racing car; fast and furious.

Yep. But she will slow it down too. Don't be surprised when her racing car comes to halt and the D stalls for weeks or months. WASs are notoriously lazy when it comes to moving the D forward. In fact, in a lot of cases, they will try to get the WAS to do the heavy lifting.

She texted me asking for a divorce. I told her I don’t agree with it but if she insists I won’t stop her. Then she changed it to separation first by moving out. Again I told her the same thing; don’t agree but I won’t stop her.

Great, you said it once. No need to repeat it. LBSs make this mistake all the time. Reminding their WAS that they don't want the D. They know that. So don't repeat it.

Asked her about the timeline of her moving out and her plan to breaks the news to the kids she replied “slowly”.

Why? Listen and validate. THis is exactly what I was talking about above. "She came at me like a racecar." "She wants to break it to the kids slowly." Doesn't really match up does it? So stop asking questions. Just listen and validate.

My last message to her seems kinda like a push though: “ Ok... I not sure if this is going to push you further away but I want to let you know that I still love you with all that I have. I’ve been trying change myself for the better because I can’t change the past. Should you have a change of heart to give this marriage a try I’ll be 1000% ready to commit again. But should you choose to walk away I will totally understand too and I’m sorry that you feel that way and I’m sorry I’ve unknowingly put you thru so much hardship throughout these years. I’ve never meant for things to turn out this way. Our problem is that we don’t communicate; we kept bottling up our feelings and then we explode. And when things explode no matter what we do it’s already too little too late“

Stop talking. Act. One of the #1 rules of DBing is to never point out the changes you are making to your WAS. The minute you do you ruin any chance that they might notice them and think they are permanent. When you say "Look at how much better I am than before!" they see it as a manipulation attempt to get them back. This entire message was a huge mistake. Let me ask you, where in DBing did you see "Send her a heartfelt message pointing out that you've changed, that you don't want a D, that you won't stop her from walking away, and once again pointing out and apologizing for your shortcomings and the problems in the MR."? THe answer is that it isn't part of DBing.

Try this, next time you get the urge to send a message like this, come here and tell the forum what you are planning to do. We can stop you from making a mistake.

She couldn’t face me physically and chose to tell me these over messages.

Out of your control. So stop trying to control it. Also, stop responding to her messages. IF it isn't about the kids....and if it isn't a direct question, then do not respond. If it is a question, respond in as few words as possible, in your own time (not right away). Yes or no questions get yes or no answers. Unless it is a question you are not ready to answer, then push it off. "I need more time to consider that."
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The surprising thing is, I’ve felt that coming miles away and I didn’t have any anxiety Attack. I’m very calm right now (maybe I’ll feel the effects when I wake up tomorrow though haha) and I’m not thinking about winning her back at all. All I’m thinking about is my kids. They must be protected at all costs.

Not sure I believe you. But if true, good. Then let that guide your actions. Because that last message above is not in keeping with "not thinking aobut winning her back".

Focusing on your kids is the right approach.

Guess I didn’t come out of this like a champ because of the last push message but hey, I’m still learning and I’m still standing.

Guess I need to pop sleeping pills tonight to get to bed haha...

If sleeping pills will help you sleep, then take them. What I urge you is to stop reacting to her. When you react rarely will that lead you to the right actions.