Need guidance/help

[SteveLW]

I’ve been reading some new and old posts over the past week. I wish I’d read some of these a lot earlier on in the separation.
I apologise for my abreviations, I will try my best.

I also hope this is in the right thread, I’m new to this forum thing.

My story so far, about 6-8 weeks ago my w (33F) told me she is unhappy.

We’ve been together 9 years and M almost 5 of those and we have a 3 yr old S together. In my eyes it has always been a great time together, there has never been any violence or abuse, almost no arguments.

Our time as parents did not begin well, I was diagnosed with a brain tumour 5 weeks after our S was born. I had it removed 3 months later. I am now tumour free, this would have put a strain on our MR.

Me (41M) can’t understand why. First she said that the joy had gone from us.
I will say this year I personally be a lot busier and stressed at work and I admit that our QT and SL has not been the same.

After our recent COVID lockdown quarantine she has been going out with friends a lot more. All this group of friends are single.
She has started drinking more, buying new clothes that she would’ve worn in her 20s.
She also has been very distant with her family and friends.

We tried to talk about things and both went to seperate therapy sessions.
We went to one therapy session together but she wasn’t very open to going to more.

I begrudgingly agreed to seperate as I didn’t think they workout, and take turn about for a week living in our family home separately with our S for consistency.
Naturally I did all the “usual small amount of begging, sending flowers etc.”

Around 4 weeks into the separation my W told me ILYBNILWY. And that there is no chance of reconciliation.
She has it in her mind to completely seperate and sell our family home. She has also started to purchase items for her new apartment.
I have a feeling she still cares, she messages me occasionally and messages to family about birthdays.

I recently had minor surgery and she offered and followed through with taking me to hospital.
It feels like there are so many mixed signals but it feels like she has also made up her mind to leave.

We are in contact via texting, mainly about our S.

Next week we are going to seperate our finances and organise a a formal separation agreement.

Need guidance/help is it a break up or MLC or WAW?

I really don’t know where I stand. crazy

NZ, sorry man. These things are difficult. I'm glad you found the forum. You've admitted to a few mistakes (begging, pursuing, etc). You are still making a few. Trying to attach meaning to anything she says or does. Staying in contact about anything other than your S. Etc.

First, remember to believe nothing she says and only half of what she does. WASs are interesting creatures. They'll say what is expedient at the moment. They'll do things to relieve their own guilt. When the LBS starts to try to attach significance to the words and actions that when they get confused. "Sheb said X, so maybe she wantsn to get back together! But she is buying things for her apartment, that means she doesn't! She helped me through surgery, she still cares! She is pushing for a formal separation, there is no chance at R!" We LBS are like a feather, blowing in the wind, and the WAS' words and deeds are the wind.

So stop trying to decipher what she says and does. Likely she isn't even sure if herself, how could you be sure of what she wants. My W told me late in our sitch that she wasn't sure what she wanted from minute to minute! She could say something based on how she felt one moment, then have a complete change of heart a minute later. You cannot understand crazy.

So take the focus off of her. Go out a GAL. Be and stay busy. Keep up the IC and work on self improvements. Become the best you that you can be, a man only a fool would leave. And work on detaching. Getting to a place where her words and deeds have no effect on you emotionally. Limit contact with her to logistics about your S. Nothing else.

Let her go to get her back. You have no control over her final decision. So prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

Hang in there, you will get through all of this.