May - maybe it is worth thinking about some more IRL support. It seems your only reason for not sharing your current situation with one or two carefully chosen friends (my boundary is that I only talk to women about problems in my marriage - because that is what I'd want and expect from my H - that after his EA he has lost the right to have those types of intimate friendships with women and I want to live my own values in that way too) is that they'd somehow disapprove of your H's choices and actions? You're protecting him from the disapproval that you imagine other people would feel if you asked them for support?
Both you and I know there is productive, heart-felt, woman-to-woman support that might include a bit of venting and dark humour, but which is about lifting you up, helping you find your own best path, and comforting and caring for you. And we also know there is venting, using a sob-story to play the victim, using your wounds to attract or manipulate others in unhealthy ways, forcing mutual friends to take sides, point scoring, etc.
I KNOW you have no intention of doing the second. But why deprive yourself of the first? I have a couple of friends I confide in. My H is no longer comfortable around them. That's his choice, his lane, and one of the milder consequences he faces from behaving abusively, having an EA and lying about it. I don't seek closeness with friends to punish him - I seek it because it is healthy and good for me and helps me make decisions for the benefit of myself and my marriage. If he feels bad about it, that's his work, not mine.
Please confide in someone May. You are walking a hard road here, and you are making it harder than it needs to be for the benefit of your H - and it isn't respectful, healthy or appropriate that you do that work of keeping him coddled in comfort anymore.
