Sage, I so identify with this (well, and pretty much everything else you wrote):
Originally Posted by "Sage4"
And because misery loves company, as my anger increases, so too do the memories of all the horrible things that I have been told over the past year. I was too broken at the time to register it as abuse, but now I am able to see it for what it is and I am angry at H AND myself for allowing myself to be treated like that.
I just finished writing on my thread that I had anger early on after BD about, well, BD and H's behavior. But reading this makes me realize it's no wonder I am experiencing new cycles of anger--there is so much I wasn't able to recognize in the moment. It was all about my wanting to restore our M at first, and it's only in the last several months that I've able to see more objectively some of the ways H was treating me. It's like the anger that should have been there in the moment was delayed, and now my mind/body is wanting to retroactively set boundaries.
I love what wooba said in response.
Originally Posted by "wooba"
Recognizing the past abuse from our Hs is one of the most difficult things to process. You couldn't have "allowed" it to happen if you didn't know what was happening. I think it's important to free yourself from that burden. Same thing with H commenting that you didn't pay attention to the signs. No amount of checking in and sign giving would have salvaged the situation. That's a cop out on his end. For him to place that burden on you, is wrong and unjust.
It seems only natural that we would process all of this in fits and starts, and that some of that would entail bouts of anger. Venting here does help, doesn't it?
Finally, I'm so sorry that your dog isn't doing well. That is a hard enough thing to face and work through on its own, and when so much of the history of the R and M is tied up with him (truly, the first kid), that makes it so much harder. Sending big hugs your way.
