Heading into the first week of teaching and the first week of my new job. I'm definitely a bit nervous! I'm about to be even busier, so I thought I would take a few minutes to post an update. (Oh--Quick question re: new job: I'd been planning to enroll in my own health insurance and get off of H's plan asap. Is there any downside to doing that I should consider? It's the same plan, same benefits, premium, etc., but I'd be in charge and separate from H, which seems a plus to me.)

I was a bit worried about how this first month of our splitting utilities and rent would go, and my mom wisely reminded me I should just email H the total that I would pay as a receipt, and then ask him where he'd like me to put it (in our joint account, where he is no longer depositing his work checks? Write him a check?). (I'm documenting everything, Gerda!) It took him a few days to respond, but he deposited his half in our joint account and said I could do the same. All good there, except now that I'm officially contributing half of the rent (whereas before all of our money just went to the same place), I've been noticing some resentment on my part when I am the only one to clean our bathroom as I've done for the past 15 months or take care of the yard, etc. Part of me is like, okay, we're officially roommates, so you need to do your part. Of course, I know this isn't how it works with someone in H's state. So I'll try to let go of that and just be glad, for instance, that he's been gone more lately and the house is peaceful. I'm trying to think of splitting expenses as a way for me to save money--trying to be positive.

Something else came up before that—I had a question about finances because I've been trying to figure out how best to complete my new W4s so I won't owe taxes next year. Of course that depends in part on knowing H's wages and how much he's withheld so far. I started to bring up taxes with H, and he cut me off by saying he's filing singly (married filing singly) next year, no more joint. From my limited research, I already knew in a community property state that wouldn't benefit us: our total income would still be considered joint, and it would just put us in a higher tax bracket, resulting in a higher bill. We already always owe because H never withholds much from his job. I spoke with a financial advisor whose response was, not surprisingly, "Well, I'm not sure what kind of reasoning your H is using, but that status is usually only used in the case of one party being worried about the other's tax fraud, because all it will do is result in a higher bill for him." I have to laugh now when people assume H should be rational and are confused when he's not.

The advisor went on to say some very DB things like, "Just because your H is saying he's going to file that way now doesn't mean it will actually happen. [Kindly, they do change their minds a lot! smile ]. Keep your side of the street clean and focus on the present," and "Your whole future is ahead of you--you're going to be great even if it doesn't feel like it now," and "Don't you ever consider giving up your rights to H's pension! You deserve it. Repeat after me: You deserve it."

It was great to note that six, eight months ago I was still in the place where I didn't like to hear that I would be okay without H, or that it was okay to move on, or anything like that. Listening to him made me realize that I really do believe all of that now, and I'm more excited than afraid about my future.

I re-read DnJ's post:
Originally Posted by "DnJ"
He cannot hurt you!

It’s true. His words are just words. You control you. Be indifferent to him - shield. Let him yammer on. Who cares. Nothing he says can really hurt you. Your boundary is your mental understanding of what he is going through, and seeing the truth beyond his words. It’s about him.

I am getting there, getting better at reinforcing that understanding.

But I'm also still going through cycles of anger; reading Sage's post resonated with me tonight. It used to be anger about H ending the M, or H taking off his ring, all of that BD stuff early on, or, later, H dating while still M. More and more I think it's about my coming to a place where I am ready to embrace the future and build my new life, but I can't fully do that while living with H. I can't get access to our savings statements, because the account has always been in his name--that continues to be an intermittent source of frustration too. I'm still feeling like I might have filed if I wasn't afraid of losing money to L. DnJ pointed out that the MLCer has to think an idea is their own, and I have seen that. So I keep thinking if I can just be patient, he'll file eventually, he'll move this process along, and it will turn out better for me the more he thinks each step (let's hope moving out) is his idea.

But I am still questioning how long I want to wait for H to file. It's such a technicality at this point. I feel like, yep, the M is over, I totally accept that. I do think I can be open to any future possibilities with H whether we are D or not. Right now I'm sort of planning to check in with myself in December. I think, really, is H going to go through another wedding anniversary without filing, another whole year when he is set on "separating" himself from me by filing taxes singly next year? Sigh. I'm not holding my breath that he's going to take any action (like MO or filing) on his side in the next few months, but I guess I can't predict the future, can I?


T: 16 M:10
BD 6/2019