A day at a time

[may22]

Hi Yail... so good to hear from you. I think about you a lot too. I made chicken liver pate and bacon onion jam today and both turned out really really well. Super easy too. I always feel so accomplished with little things like this and also think about you!!

Thanks for checking in. I feel like I am getting a bit more distance on all of this and dropping control, a little bit at a time. I think I've dropped it and then after a little while I still see how much more I have to go. It is like my pockets are full of tiny pebbles and every time I drop the one in my hand I feel like I've made such progress, and then I eventually put my hand back in my pocket and realize yes, there's still another pebble in there.

I do think that getting to that space-- even if it was only for a few days-- when I was ready to move on, was really empowering for me. I still have almost a letdown feeling when I look at all his books in the bookshelf and imagine what it would be like if they were all gone and it was only my stuff. I was ready to order new pictures of just the kids and me for all the picture frames in the house. I had the plans of who I was going to call and let know what was going on.

In fact, the day H started waffling I had almost called a mutual friend to tell him what was happening, because I know he cares and we've talked a lot about (other people's) relationships together. H, this friend and I are all on a text thread and maybe a little bit of what I wanted to do was punish H, take away one of his friends-- I know for sure this friend would despise H for what he's done, even though they're friends as well-- but I also feel so lonely and like I'm holding back by keeping silent on this huge thing happening in my life to my closest IRL friends and family. I feel like I'm lying. The idea of opening up to them is hard to explain-- both almost overwhelmingly attractive for the support I know I'd get, plus long-term concern about what them knowing would mean if H and I stay together.

Anyway, I talked about it with my IC last week, whether or not to open up to a few more people. The problem is what H has done is just SO GD bad. It isn't like a little f up. But it really bothers me to feel like I'm protecting this liar from the consequences of his own actions by my silence. I'm still not sure where I'm going to land on this, but one thing I do know is that I will (no line in the sand here, I swear) reach out to these folks if it happens again. I'm solid on that one.

Wooba, thinking on what you have said too, and both of you about examining my fears about separating and why that is so difficult for me... I know it will seem like I'm leaning on my kids here and pretending it is about them when it is really about my own fears, but I do have a lot of worry about what it would mean to them, plus selfishly not wanting to give up 50% of my time with them. I just feel so strongly that I didn't sign up for 50% time with my kids. I get it that it might have to happen and I can hate H all the way to my grave... I just don't want to have to hate MYSELF for it too. Maybe something to continue to work on with my IC.

Wooba, I also like what you are saying about COVID being a time to live your life the way you want. I've been thinking over the weekend about COVID and what I want to accomplish during this time, for me. I've been focusing recently on the negatives, but I want to relook at the possibilities. To take advantage of the WFH and not being able to go anywhere or do anything and turn it on its head. So what I've been noodling about is meditating. I went to a yoga and meditation retreat specifically to learn how to meditate last summer, and I've let it all slide and never really kept it up once I got home (got BDed soon after my return).

But this idea of being in the moment, focusing on today and not writing my future, as SamCal and Sage have said redrawing the map with a clean sheet of paper... I'm feeling like a practice of meditation can help me with this, and if I can really do it and keep it up it will be a lifetime gift I give myself. I still haven't been able to drag myself yet back into exercise or yoga, even. Maybe if I can just think about one day at a time, I can start to add these things back in, and start even a tiny little meditation every day.

xx thanks, guys. You mean so much to me.