Sage, I'm so sorry that you're feeling the pressure of so many things happening at once. You have every right to be angry.
I was just listening to a podcast about anger when I was driving the kids to school this morning. Anger is a valid emotion. It exists in us to alert us to injustice and then it can energize us to respond to that injustice. I think what you're doing it great - examining the causes and coming to terms with it.
Recognizing the past abuse from our Hs is one of the most difficult things to process. You couldn't have "allowed" it to happen if you didn't know what was happening. I think it's important to free yourself from that burden. Same thing with H commenting that you didn't pay attention to the signs. No amount of checking in and sign giving would have salvaged the situation. That's a cop out on his end. For him to place that burden on you, is wrong and unjust.
When I sense anger sprouting, I slow down my pace and find little enjoyments in life that would prop me up. Either go to the gym and physically releasing the energy, or it could be as simple as skipping cooking dinner and order take out. If my kids are not driving my crazy, they might even help simmer down my anger with their butt jokes. lol.
