May, I'm sorry I haven't been in touch. I needed to not be here, but I have periodically checked in on you silently.
After months of keeping tabs on you, I have only a bit to offer you.
The one thing I see you do time and time again is draw lines the sand. State how it must be, or what will be a deal-breaker for you. I see you spinning and exhausting yourself. It is my hope that you are able to stop spinning by no longer drawing up the rules of the game. You are trying to control your environment, and it is not yours to control. It's not a choose-your-own-adventure book where you have a singular path ahead depending on what you do tomorrow. Every day a thousand more doors open, and I really want you to stop trying to predict them (don't write your future....).
You step in and out of seeing this, and more and more with your ambivalence you are acting in a less attached way. I'm seeing it peek through.
Originally Posted by May22
But to me, it still feels like giving up any chance at reconciliation if we split.
This is one of your often repeated lines. It's a valid feeling, and I understand it. I've had similar experiences/feelings. But I might suggest you stop repeating it to yourself, because you're solidifying it. I think you would move forward in a smoother way if you could say calmly that you don't know what the future holds - EVEN if you split for a while. Even if H moved to an apartment for a while. Whatever might happen next does not set your entire future in stone.
All this to say - slow and steady. Other posters have had great discussions with you on your H. Yes, they are right that he is a self centered *bleep* and yes you are right that he's not all bad all the time...he's human. You're human. He has done some purely *bleep* things, and has a lot of growth to do that is not your responsibility. I hope he gets there.
No decisions need to be made today. Keep working on your portion of your stuff, and leave H to work on his. I really do think of you, and hope you keep moving forward.
