Recap: Ugh. I hate these. Very briefly, H had a two year long distance affair, came clean in January but very ambivalent, she might be the love of his life, blah blah blah. We're now 2-3 weeks into reconciliation attempt #3 (maybe 2.5, since I don't know if we should really count the trip we took in August when he was NC with AP as a reconciliation attempt-- more like a break from hostilities).
This time around does feel different in many ways. We got to the very edge of S/D. He found an apartment he really liked. We agreed in principle to the financial splits (which he has still agreed to memorialize in a post-nup). We were working on what to tell the children (D8 and D10, who have absolutely zero idea anything is wrong). Then, H said he got to the very precipice of D, needing to pull the trigger on the apartment, and realized he can't do it, he doesn't want to D.
He came clean with a number of final lies about their relationship, including the fact that he'd kept a box of memorabilia which he threw in the garbage in front of me. He said things I'd been waiting to hear for the past year, that he was choosing our M, he was making this decision of his own free will (said in the past he felt coerced as there had been some ultimatum-ish deadlines I'd laid out), he was going to actively work on getting over AP, could envision M2.0 with me, was going to show me by being loving, etc. He said he finally realized that his fantasy D situation (where we'd all be best friends) was never on offer, from either me or AP. It only existed in his head. He had a conversation with AP and is now NC and transparent (I have his passwords, etc.)
I was, and am, ambivalent about this. I had gotten myself to a place where I'd really dropped the rope and was ready to move on. However, I have a really hard time being the one to make the call to break up the family and doing everything I possibly can to give my children a two-parent household has always been extremely important to me. I don't want to look back on this with any regrets.
So, we're existing, together. One thing that has come up repeatedly here and with my IC is that H has tended to dump his emotional processing on me, from trying to get me to make this decision (stay or go) for him to how he feels about AP. I have a boundary around talking about how he feels about AP and have generally been trying to avoid any R-ish talks. He's been all over the place, from planning a house renovation to moping about and saying he's worried I have second thoughts. I've been trying to focus on myself. I'll repost the last entry from my last thread for continuity.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
