TBH, it sounds like you guys were doing absolutely everything right. My H and I never had state of the unions or intentional goal-setting sessions... that sounds amazing.
Originally Posted by Sage4
I am sure that the OW had a hold on him long before I thought she did. I just wish he could be honest about it all so I could truly move on.
I'm going to guess you are correct on this. And... that is on HIM, not on you. He is the one with the communication issues (FFS, you guys are having regular conversations about your M and future and he can't spit out that he is having trouble??). Don't let him gaslight you on this by telling you that you should have seen the signs. He is reinventing the past to justify his own selfish choices.
I can totally relate to wanting to KNOW. That is 100% me too. I will say that as difficult as all the revelations have been for me, knowing I wasn't crazy, seeing his behavior two years ago now through the lens of the A and him planning on his "escape" from the M so so long ago... it does help, reading the scripts here, understanding the mental gymnastics that allowed him to justify his own behavior by demonizing me. So I totally, totally get it.
But... gentle 2x4... the part of needing the honesty in order to truly move on... I just don't know if you're ever going to get it, or if it matters in the long run. It feels hard for me to think about you linking your own mental health and recovery to your H's ability to be honest.... because, let's face it, it definitely isn't his strong suit. And it seems like he's really having a hard time admitting even to himself what is going, what with the odd behavior at your child's birthday party, the continued lies, spewing, and gaslighting. I am concerned that you needing to know his truth on this as a prerequisite to your own growth and recovery will leave you stuck. Is it possible for you to focus on you, your own truth, and let go of caring what is in his addled mind?
My H's father is starting to go downhill, mentally. He also spends most of his waking hours watching Fox News and my H and his brother are really having a terrible time understanding how their devout, Catholic father has turned into this batsh!t crazy, angry Trumper. My H is really struggling. He feels like his relationship with his father is irretrievably damaged, and keeps trying to figure out what went wrong, did he not really know his dad before, was he always like this inside but masked it, or did something change?
I asked him, can you just imagine your dad is mentally ill? This is part of what is happening with his dementia? So in the same vein I wonder for you-- can you imagine your H is mentally ill? That his version of what happened in the past and is happening now is just as skewed from reality as my FIL's? There is no real understanding to be had, and waiting or hoping for it is just pulling you down.
You wrote on Scout's thread about her H still being able to pull her strings in parenting conversations-- I feel like maybe, similarly, this is a way your H is continuing to control you by p!ssing on your need to understand what happened, to believe in what you know to be true and the real love you did have between the two of you. It was real. It is real. He is a mess, a total mess, and who knows even if he did tell you his truth today whether or not it was really the truth of a year ago or will be the truth tomorrow. Have confidence in your own gut and perceptiveness and empathy, toss out your need to understand like a crumpled up piece of paper, and stride on.
(((sage))) you are so amazing and strong. xx M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
