NZKiwi, I am sorry you are here and look forward to learning more about your situation... you have come to a good place and will undoubtedly gain some great advice and insight here.
Journaling.
I have been thinking about the conversation about anger that has been happening over on DnJ's thread. Gerda, I have no doubt that anger manifested in your body in the form of cancer. I truly believe that any emotion left unreleased can cause physical manifestations. Whether it is depression or anger. I am happy to read that you acknowledged it, that is the first step to releasing its power over you and your body.
I am getting deeper and deeper into the anger phase. I am sorry to vent, but I need to release it somehow and this feels like a safe space to me.
H is on a work trip and OW is the client.
He doesn't answer my phone calls right away (I have made two, one for an emergency and one when our child called him), which is a huge trigger to some traumatic events earlier in the year when I couldn't reach him in a true emergency.
My eldest 'ran away' yesterday over pent up anger and frustration at the S and eventual divorce.
I have been working on getting more family photos up in our house and accidentally delved into our past, where despite H's current narrative that he was never happy, I only see deep love and happiness in his eyes and body language towards me.
I am homeschooling the children alone, which I feel capable of, but it is still extremely hard. And I am trying to finish decorating our house from our recent remodel, executing business ideas so I have a future income, and heal from all the grief and pain of my situation. Oh, and reinvent myself completely. Each of these tasks alone is enough at one time, but I am doing it all at once.
Our old dog is dying and has become incontinent. This dog was our first child, but of course I am the one left wiping bums and washing dog beds and the floors three times a day.
H complained that our communal friends seemed distant to him and asked what they knew. I told him what I had shared with the wives (the basics, never threw him under the bus), but inside I wanted to scream at him "those men are family men who value their children and families above all else. None of them have perfect marriages or have been perfectly happy over the years, but they know the true value of the commitment to family. You breaking up your family in a quest for happiness is not a good look, H."
H has started worrying about finances, something that I was worried about from the beginning when he rented an expensive home and kept his expensive sports car payments. I am financially protected from his decisions, but unfortunately nothing happens in a complete bubble, so it impacts me indirectly too. What other foolish decisions am I going to be 'paying' for in the coming months and years?
And because misery loves company, as my anger increases, so too do the memories of all the horrible things that I have been told over the past year. I was too broken at the time to register it as abuse, but now I am able to see it for what it is and I am angry at H AND myself for allowing myself to be treated like that.
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I am shocked by the depths of my anger, it is not a familiar emotion for me. But in some ways, she's a pleasant bedmate as I navigate through this whole process. I kind of like her fire and motivation. The sadness and confusion were the hardest to bear for me so far, although I know that I will still have a range of emotions ahead of me.
Although I acknowledge this festering vitriol inside of me, I do feel like I am able to feel these things and then let them go.
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And finally, H told me the other day when we were talking about the fact that I didn't see this coming, that I felt blindsided by all of this: 'that's the reason; you didn't pay attention to the signs.'
Despite me checking in regularly with him to make sure he and we were both happy, heading in the direction we both wanted etc. We have always had at least one very intentional 'state of the union' and goal-making sessions a year, where we would go away for the night and talk about all the things going right and wrong in our life and what to do about them. We also were honest (or so I thought) about our deepest feelings with and toward one another on a regular basis.
I asked him how I was supposed to know if every time we had a conversation, he said 'things are fine, I'm just stressed-tired-overwhelmed with work' and then we would go on to make big plans like travel or a major home remodel. Was I supposed to mind read?
I know that questioning this is likely an exercise in futility, but finding some common ground with others in this same situation makes me feel more grounded and less crazy.
