He was never an alcoholic but when he started drinking he couldn't stop until he was quite drunk but at least stopped then.
This IS an alcoholic. Sounds like he was always an alcoholic, he's just not as well controlled now. You need to break through your denial about this.
If you have Al-Anon meetings where you are, you should think about attending them. Sounds like midlife crisis/depression has worsened his underlying alcoholism. You can find support with other spouses of alcoholics.
You asked about my ex. His first MLC came after he turned 40, and a couple years later he had a brief affair with a temporary coworker. I found out and began DBing him and our marriage. We reconciled (he never left the house although he was planning to) and we actually had several very good years after that. (Although, like I said, the kids were always waiting for the other shoe to drop). Then as he was approaching 50, and after a few concussions that didn't help, he asked for a divorce. I convinced him to stay through the holidays so the kids wouldn't always associate Xmas with him leaving. I suspect, but don't have proof, that he was cheating on me again at that time.
To me, it felt like "three strikes and you're out". He had cheated on me once in the first year of our marriage, during his first MLC, and now his second. A couple of months after he moved out, when he filed for divorce, I let go completely. I knew that I could never trust him even if he came back so I was done. I had peace in my heart that I had done everything possible to save my marriage and felt released. (In retrospect I also suspect that he cheated more than I knew, or at least flirted with the idea of it more than I knew.)
After my divorce I came to recognize that my ex was also a narcissist. We all were valuable to him only so long as we made him look good. In retrospect, we all went along with the things that HE wanted to do, but he never returned that favor. In the years since our divorce, he has neglected to help our adult children in several situations where they needed financial help (he makes over twice what I do and can easily afford to help).
I'm thankful that the (very) young woman he is remarried to was not one of his affair partners - she came along about a year after we split and I have no animus towards her. In fact I feel kinda sorry for her as she is getting the old, worn out version of the guy I was married to. I wouldn't have him back now if he was handed to me on a silver platter.
I'm glad to hear that you are on financially stable ground. I often note that those women who are not financially dependent on the spouse do often have an easier time of it as their decisions about their marriage are not based on financial need.
