How am I going to do this? Should I do this?

[Valeska19]

I saw that in your post that you "definitely" know w is in an EA with OW. Is this because you are snooping, recording her again or do you just have that gut feeling? If you are snooping... stop. The reality is that you can't control what your wife does. You can't control who she talks to. You can certainly ask... which you did and she said no... so now what? What are your boundaries around this issue?

Valeska19 - Thank you so much for your response. I occasionally look at the phone bill, but you are right I need to stop. It does me no good. Honestly there is no need to. I've known my W for 25 yrs and I know in my heart and soul that she is still lying to me. You are absolutely on point when you mention boundaries. My lack of adequate boundaries over the
course of our entire R has been the core issue of most of our disagreements. I believe this is my primary problem. I need more guidance to learn how to develop them appropriately.

I think your gut is probably right. So just assume it so and stop looking. I know for me personally, I am always perplexed by the lesbian community over their need to be friends with their exes. I haven't spoken to my XW in over 6 years. I plan on keeping it that way.

I think the temptation you are going to have right now is to set a deal breaker boundary.. because of the pain you are experiencing. A "Either she's out or I'm out" mentality. I want to caution you and advise against this unless you are 100% okay with the possibility of losing your marriage. Because there is a good chance your w won't come back and you will have to be okay with that.

Now I'm not saying that an affair is right. There is never any justification for that however I do know that it takes two to tango so they say. A marriage doesn't just breakdown on it's own.

So back to these 180's - what are they?

Also - I'm a big fan of IC to address childhood issues. Dealing with self only makes one better at relationships.