Reconciliation Rollercoaster (part 5)

[may22]

(((Pommy)))

Seconding Valeska--- be kind to yourself, this is awful and you deserve to be angry and sad and all the rest. There is nothing wrong with taking a time out on him and working on your M and just focusing on YOU. My IC said it was like a laptop going into power saver mode-- just focus on what you need, to get through the next minute, hour, day. Conserve the juice you have for your most important parts-- you and your kids-- you don't need anything for extremities and right now, he's a power-sucking peripheral.

And sister... I really know how you feel and sending all the empathy I can your way. You are strong and smart and will get through this, though, one way or another. You've already been through so much and every time you grow in strength and resilience. So, just know that. Even in this time that feels so devastating all over again, you sound so much stronger and powerful than you did say in January or so.

This does feel like there are a lot of parallels, still, with my H. I think they get stuck in this lying circle where it seems easier to lie and they don't have as much stopping them from lying, because they've been doing it all along, so like this last little lie isn't going to hurt anyone if it helps me get to where I need to get without damaging either my W or OW too much. It feels a lot like my H's made-up "email" that he sent her rather than being honest about the fact that they were back in communication.

And the lying-- I totally agree it is simply not to be tolerated. Does he realize that every time he pulls this $hit it just pushes you farther and farther away from wanting to trust him again? That his weakness and inability to prioritize you in all of this over OW could eventually make reconciliation/piecing with you impossible? His choices have consequences and if he's choosing to stay, it just seems so illogical of him (my H too) to make thing more difficult for you. I guess it is just pure selfishness and inability, right now, to see beyond their own needs/emotions.

I'll say this about the OW communication, though, also having gone through this a couple of times before now-- I am realizing that for me, there was a not insignificant part of my wanting H to tell her it's OVER FOREVER that was kind of petty. I was telling myself it was so that she got the picture and stayed out of it. There is definitely a part of it, for me, that wanted her to back the F off and realize she was an idiot for pursuing a married man, it was never going to go anywhere, he was never going to leave his W, etc etc.

but in all honesty... it does nothing for me to have her "know" that. It shouldn't matter to me at all. She could go through the rest of her life imagining she had a special connection with my H and it warms the cockles of her heart at night... so what. That means nothing. The only thing that means anything is how my H feels and how I feel. Not that either of us are feeling much positive right now, either. But I'm starting to let go of caring about her, at all. I'm not saying this was a motivator for you at all, but it was for me (even though it has taken me some time to admit it).

Finally, don't worry about being a b!tch. He deserves it. Maybe not how you want to act in the future but don't worry about it-- let it go. Hoping you can get some space and maybe some time with your kids and a nice G&T, good book, or something else just for you.

xx M