[Eagle3]

Hi everybody,
My name is Eagle3, will tell my story in the shortest possible version.

HB since mid-2017 in crisis with clearly definable trigger. Noticeable since became distant, selfish, angry for no reasons. (the usual as everybody describes) This period took about 2 years. He also changed jobs in Nov. 2018 where he met OW the first day of his new job. Relationship started a few months later.

BD and famous ILYBNILWY in April 2019. I immediately found out about OW (same month).

Then clinging boomerang from that same month until I kicked him out the beginning of October 2019. He never actually lived permanently with OW (lives in another country where head office of his work was based) although he was there during the week and came home @ weekends. He always told me he had to go to that country for work reasons but I soon found out he stayed there for her. (could work a lot from office where we live as well but he did not do that)

When I finally realised this was the case, I decided to confront him that he couldn’t have both women and that he had to make a choice. I did not ask him to stop the relationship as I did not have control about that (yes, read another website a thousand times as well as the Divorce Busting forums) but I asked him to go to a counsellor as he was not OK or to leave the house.

He of course chose the last option but still very difficult to get him out.

As he did not want to leave I searched an apartment myself, even bought his sheets and pillows and made his bed, and when he knew he didn’t have a choice he finally left.

1st real awakening followed shortly after and break-up with OW as well. Asked to move back in December and agreed, only to find out a week later that he was seeing OW again. Confronted him and said he had to leave after the holidays if he couldn’t make a choice. I did not kick him out as I was seeing he was trying the utmost to break-up with her. Final break was the beginning of February. Since then no contact with her anymore until today. (100% sure, she tried a month later, he blocked her, he tried during OW withdrawal, she blocked him)

All the time during that period depression, monster and withdrawal were clearly seen but since OW was still in the picture I knew it was still replay behaviour. During that time he also already had clear moments where he apologized, cried etc. but next day all gone again. Drinking increased enormously as from January as well.

He finally came home “full time” in February 2020. At work it didn’t go well but since my HB is a very clever person they decided to offer him another job (after a self-assessment which clearly showed his dominant behaviour, more details but too long to tell) in another function in the International mother company (with basis in another continent then where we currently live). He decided to accept the job. (did consult with me, told him he had to take it if that would make him happier.)

He would normally leave in April but had to work from home due to COVID-19. I think this wasn’t a bad thing. (this is also what he told me)

February, March and April were ‘fairly normal’ months (in MLC terms) as he started connecting bit by bit again with our 3 children, the family and me (but friend zone), but clearly saw OW withdrawal (I love her some much, she was the love of my life etc) and heavily drinking with many conversations, but only with me and always when drunk, and this behaviour increased during May, June and July with huge depression coming to the surface. (I have seen panic attacks during the night, crying, apologies, irritation, heavy physical pains, anger, withdrawal etc.)

In August if got so bad that I told him I wanted some time-out with the children and that we would leave for a few months so “he could think over what he wanted in life, on his own) in a very friendly way. He seemed to understand this and didn’t want me to leave the house so suggested to ask his work if he could leave to work in the other country and they agreed with the necessary COVID test etc.. (although the months before he said he made a mistake by accepting this job and leaving everybody behind)

I will not go into detail how our 3 children (16y-13y-13y) are cooping as I think this is very private but I can only say that for me this is the worst part. We are adults and understand the process in a certain way and after a certain amount of time, but for them this will have an impact on their future lives, and they will never look at ‘life’ in an innocent way anymore I guess. I’m very open with them and we talk a lot about it and I can see this is of huge help. They now found a certain peace with it, understanding the process in their own way.

He left the end of August. The idea was to come home every 6 weeks to two months. When he left he told me he had to confront himself with whom he was and what he did. I had the idea it was going better with him since he was alone. We skype 2 times a week with the children on fix days and this is working quite well. But since this week he started drinking again and calling when drunk to me. He suddenly wanted to come home for 2 weeks and actually did. Told me on the phone he is a very cold person, he doesn’t miss anybody, not even his children, he doesn’t want to be like that etc. He hates his whole family as they see him as the mad one in the family (his words), in 5 minutes time a complete other story, everybody is bad and he is the victim…

What is going on? Can’t seem to place this in any of the stages? I was sure he was already as far as depression/withdrawal but now I’m having doubts again.

The only constant thing he says for the last 6 months is that he wants to try to be a family again, but still doesn’t know if he wants to be with me. He says we are best friends now and that living in the other country will provide him the necessary answers.

New one is that he will be coming home every 4 to 6 weeks since this is expected from him, this is what a father and a husband has to do, not really because he misses us, but because this is his duty??

I know you always ask how the LBS is doing 😊. The first 6 months were h@ll for me. I did all the wrong things like begging and crying, lost 10 kgs, couldn’t sleep but went to counselling and bit by bit understood what had to be done and I’m actually doing very well. I learned a lot about myself and I’m not the same person anymore. I also decided to be the stanchion (for now), and live my life the best I can with our children. I’m fully able to let it go, strange but it is like I’m emotionally disconnected from him, although I still love him. Even in bed I don’t even have the feeling anymore to want to hug him, not when he is the person he currently is.

But as you know, it never is out of your head…that is the price you pay when you want to stick by their side. That is the reason why I tell my story now. I’m a bit stuck in the trust of the process and how it is progressing. 😊
Who would be prepared to give me some insight?

The reason why I only subscribed now, even when that far already is because I simply wasn’t ready to talk with anybody except with some very close friends.

Many thanks!!