Hi! I've been reading posts for the past week and desperately need some advice. My W52 and I (W50) are married and have been in a lesbian relationship for 21 years. We have been experiencing issues with our R for a few years now. Two years ago we decided to attend MC. It was rough, but last year I really felt we were making progress and on the path to resolving many of our problems. Feb 2019 was our 20th anniversary. I decided to buy her a beautiful engagement ring (she never had one) to symbolize a new beginning for our M. Took her to dinner to a fabulously romantic restaurant, she was presented with a customized menu congratulating us both on our anniversary, ordered champagne and gave her the ring, along with a promise of a new beginning. She was shocked and we had a fantastic evening.
We continued MC and working on us. Fast forward to Memorial Day 2019, we had a huge bbq, as has been our custom for the past 16 years to kick off the summer. It went well, we had a bunch of new people over including a new co-worker of her's that I was meeting for the first time. Everyone was gone by 10 PM that evening. I went upstairs to our MBR and she stayed in the kitchen. About an hour later she hadn't come up so I went downstairs figuring she had fallen asleep on the couch. I hear her talking on the phone in the kitchen and as I approach, I hear her say I love you and I know you've been waiting to hear that for awhile. I was shocked and frozen in place at the entrance to the kitchen. She never heard me approaching. I stood there and listened to the rest of the conversation (her side only) for another 15 minutes, I guess. It became obvious that she was having an A with the co-worker she invited to the bbq that afternoon. I had absolutely no idea there was anything going on between them. The OW had only been working directly with her for a couple of months.
I went back upstairs right before she hung up and absolutely lost it. I threw my wedding ring at her as soon as she came through the bedroom door and confronted her with everything I had heard. She absolutely denied everything and claimed that I was only hearing one side of the conversation and misinterpreted what I was hearing. She actually swore on our daughters life that I had it all wrong. When she did that it actually made me pause and doubt myself. We continued at it throughout the night. By the morning she had me completely second guessing myself. She even suggested I call our T so that I could discuss it with her. Which I did the next day. We went to MC the following Saturday, which was our normal weekly appointment day. Discussed everything and she adamently insisted that I had it wrong. Devised an entire story to explain everything I overheard. She convinced me and the T.
Over the next month the A just escalated and it became painfully obvious. Spending hours upon hours on the phone with her whenever I wasn't around. I started checking the phone bills when her behavior was changing. When we were together, she was constantly texting. The phone never left her which was totally out of the norm. By mid June I confronted her in MC and again she just denied everything. This became our norm every Saturday in MC for the next month. She even had our T convinced that I was just being jealous and insecure. The T confronted me about the jealousy and insecurities several times during our individual talks. I had both my W and T gaslighting me.
In August, I finally had enough and decided to place a recorder in her car, its where most of her phone conversations took place. Needless to say I had all the proof I needed that they were involved in a PA. Apparently my W had paid for 3 hotel room visits and was actively planning a 4th on the recording. I confronted her and told her I had definitive proof that she was having a PA (did not say what the proof was), packed my clothes and left her. Went to stay at my brother's. The next day I phoned our T and told her about the recording and everything that was said. My wife also spoke to her. I was NC for the next 4 days. By Thursday, I couldn't take it anymore and phoned her to arrange a meeting to talk. Came home on Friday to discuss. She admitted to getting carried away and having an inappropriate relationship but denied sleeping with her. Claimed the hotel visits were just a means for them to spend time alone together. Only admitted to kissing her. Didn't believe a word of it.
We went to MC the next day. The T refused to listen to the recording. Admonished me for recording her saying that it was a gross violation of her privacy and went on a spiel about how illegal it was. I lost it in MC, telling them both that I felt I had no other option as I had been confronting my wife for weeks at home and in MC and I just kept being accused of being jealous and insecure by both her and the T. Anyway, my W agreed to back off from the OW and work on us. I agreed to come back home. Note that my W and the OW work side by side on a daily basis. Their offices are right next to each other and they have ample opportunity to be alone as others in the office are usually out in the field.
A few months later calls to the OW start popping up on the phone bill again. Once again I confront her and my W insists that they are just friends and she wants to be able to have a friendship with her moving forward. Back to MC and the T tells me that I have no right to dictate who my W can be friends with. Agrees with my W that she should be allowed to have a friendship with her as my W swears that it is absolutely platonic. I lasted a couple of more weeks with the back and forth and quit therapy. My W continues to see her for IC.
Fast forward a year now and my W is definitely involved in an EA with the OW. I have been fighting her tooth and nail about it and my W finally told me this weekend that she no longer wants to be married. Wants us to separate but has no intention of kicking me out of the house. (The house belongs to her family. We sold our house and took this one over when her mother passed away 6 years ago). She doesn't know what the future holds for us as she has never believed in divorce but knows that our marriage is a disaster and she has no intention of giving up her "friend".
I read The Divorce Remedy and know that I did everything wrong from the fighting, the begging the pleading, and the snooping. The last thing in the world I ever wanted is to loose my wife but I don't know how I can possibly do this or if I should do it. She has been lying to me for a year, our marriage was a mess prior to the A and now it seems unfixable. I don't know if I can remain in my home as a separated couple. Won't be able to emotionally tolerate it. Seriously thinking of leaving. I need to know what the right thing to do is.
