WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce (2)

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Summary:

W & I have been together 9 years, married 7. We have a son who turned 5 in March (a month after Bomb Day) and a daughter who just turned 2 last week. We didn't have a perfect marriage - disagreed on kids' nutrition & screen time and purchases at times, but did not have any major issues which we couldn't work through and would constitute divorce (or so I thought). I don't do drugs, not an alcoholic, have a very good career, am a very wonderful and involved father, and a pretty good husband (or so I thought). I've never cheated, never abusive emotionally (though now says I did) or physically...etc.

In early January W starts a new job/role with her employer, going from part-time to full-time (plus OT). A few weeks later we have a good time on a Disney vacation with two other families. Shortly after we return she starts acting odd/short/mean. Bomb Day just three weeks later in mid-February (7.5 months ago now). I immediately suspect something is up and confirm EA/PA with co-worker in late February / early March (later find out he's married 15 years with 3 young daughters). Immediately after BD W leaves martial bedroom effectively creating an in-house separation and I make all the mistakes: telling her how much I care, buying gifts, sending her pictures of memories, pleading...etc. I cut that out and give her space for awhile but bring up R talks and confront more about affair every few weeks (roughly March - May). We go to a few virtual marriage counseling sessions in May and she finally admits the affair but a week or so later I confront her over a burner phone I found in her car and she says "that's it, I'm done". She plans to move out to her mother's house at the end of June after her work hours change and tell the kids, but agrees to wait until August to have the kids start splitting time and tell them when our tenants move out of our other house.

The first weekend in July she tells the kids without me present (despite agreeing many times we should have that talk together including during a counseling session we had on "how to tell the kids" ). Rational or not, this angers me more than even the affair because it's specifically a decision about the kids, and I think the LBS fog clears a bit because I'm starting to see things differently. I found this site in June and started DB'ing. We each take the kids separately to our own respective family's vacations, and I have to drop off the kids at "mommy's new house" for the first time in August, which of course I have a breakdown in the car afterwards. We're splitting the kids 50/50 in verbal agreement (nothing officially signed yet), though in practice I end up having them more days and nights per month because on W's work and social schedule (which I'm completely fine with).

I've been practicing the DB'ing rules for 2-3 months now. I have very little contact with W, unless it's about kids or finances and via email (or occasional text). I'm feeling much better in August-Sept than I was in Feb-June, mostly up but still some downs. When I have the kids I'm 100% tuned into them and when i don't I've been fixing up things around the house, golfing and going out with friends, bought a new vehicle, coaching S5's soccer team and walking him to/from school, exercising a bit, going to regular individual counseling sessions, interacting with people here...etc. So overall much better last 2-3 months than first 4-5 months.

Some significant updates this week in the following posts...