I see you putting a lot of weight on H to help you make a decision as to whether or not you are able or willing to continue with the MR. It is clear that he simply cannot make this decision for you and will continue to waffle under the weight of it. In fact, it is not fair of him to make that decision for you.
Sage, I think I understand what you are saying.....that I'm basing my decision on his decision? If so, what should I be doing? I felt that this was my boundary, that I will not stay in the M whilst the door to OW is left open. Am I dealing with this in the wrong way? From your perspective, what should I be doing/saying? I honestly feel blinkered right now - I can't see any other way than "I will not stay in this M with OW in the background" - but there is a dependency on him here, right?
Hi dearest Pommy, in response to your question above, I think I need to clarify what I meant by saying you are basing your decision on H's decision. You are absolutely correct in your boundary of not being in a three-way M. However, only you can take care of you. Only you can put up the boundaries to protect you. You cannot control H, but you can control your reaction to H's behavior (or lack thereof). May shared a really good blueprint for actualizing the concept I was sharing:
Originally Posted by may22
If you decide to keep the status quo for the time being, maybe there are other ways you can communicate to your H that your relationship-building phase is on hold until he boots the third party out of your marriage for good. I don't know what might make sense to you, but maybe no more R talks, no more MC, no more loving wife, no more talk of renovating until you feel secure she's gone for good. Maybe you can just say that to him straight up. H, I'm not ready to bail on our M right now. But you need to realize that we can't productively work on our M until you have conclusively ended all contact with OW and put some safety measures in place to ensure she doesn't contact you again. I understand you don't feel ready to do that right now. OK. But I'm not in a place where I can focus on our future together or work on building up our emotional intimacy with her still in the picture in any way. So, please understand that I can no longer (whatever) until we get past this. Thanks. And then.... drop it. Let it go. do your own thing until he's stopped procrastinating and done what he needs to do. Don't bug him about it. If he wants to know why you aren't participating in whatever things you put on hold until it has been done, simply say, I can't do that until I am certain that the third party is no longer in the picture. (or even better, I can't do that and let him fill in the blanks as to why.)
What May suggested seems like it would allow you to be true to you, while also allowing the space for H to make the decision on his own. Given H's indecisive nature, you might need to mentally put a deadline on all of this. I wouldn't communicate that deadline to H, just keep it in your soul. That by a particular date, if he hasn't executed NC, you ask him to leave.
Once H has instigated NC with EAP, I would suggest a therapeutic disclosure. Is your MC familiar with this process? If not, maybe find someone who is an expert in this arena (you might find some therapist names in your area if you explore sex addicts anonymous; it is a tool typically used in those situations). It will eliminate future years of trickle-truths. It might be something to start looking into now to have in your back pocket. It can take a while for the entire process to unfold.
