Finding calm during the storm

[Gerda]

I agree with DnJ in principle (Our youtube channel, DnJ and Gerda in the Woods, went viral as a result of that) but I want to add something that DnJ has not experienced --

The confusion of the LBS with a live-in MLCer.

Those viewing my thread since 2014 can see what I mean.

I am one of the toughest women I know, can hustle my way through almost any financial trouble and come out okay, able to leap tall buildings with a single bound, etc., but I was completely confused by the tension between standing and not allowing abuse and further financial ruin.

I think the danger you face is that confusion.

If you have the stamina to try setting a boundary and then see if it works and then alter course if needed, go for it.

But if you are anything like me, I would jump directly to all forms of no contact that are possible for you. That was the only thing that began to clear my head, and even that took a long while, and even that required that I pay my H to move out. Combine that with very unfortunate luck with judge assignment and a very vicious lawyer of H, and you get my scenario -- entering YEAR THREE of the most inane and pointless divorce non-negotiations, with literally a dozen attempts at 50-50 splits that were totally inequitable for me (since I have to fund all debt/mortgage/kids alone) and were STILL refused.

I now believe in total compartmentalization of standing. Standing is for your heart, and can include actual reminders that you are standing to H if that helps you stick to it. But for daily life and finances in the case of an abusive live-in MLCer (including financial/emotional abuse), I now believe in total and immediate separation of all domestic ties. E.g., "I do not want to divorce and I do not intend to move on to someone else, but I can't live this way, and need legal separation of all our finances and daily life. If you change your mind about what you want, the door is open. But until that time, I need to be able to run my own life alone." And then total no contact until running is over.

Have you ever noticed that people you knew before eventually reach out to you again -- e.g., old boy/girlfriends or friends or family -- because the memory of you slowly distills and they appreciate who you were? I believe that that will happen with the MLCer if s/he comes out of it, or it won't. You can ruin it by pushing, begging, doing vengeful things, etc. But just by going no contact and protecting yourself? I just don't believe anymore that that will interfere with standing. Your MLCer is going to hate you no matter what you do, until s/he stops hating you on his/her own. I was literally a SAINT while standing -- and my MLCer only became more and more convinced of my evil.

Many here might disagree. But that's what I now believe based on my experience and some of the stories I have read here. I believe that the LBS has to take an honest look at what constitutes abuse. Go to the abuse hotline websites and read the definition. If your sitch includes financial, verbal or emotional abuse, time to separate the act of standing from the act of householding.