Just quickly-- your sitch is not my sitch, or anyone else's sitch. Yes, these dopes are following the same GD script. That does not mean everything is the same, and I definitely didn't mean to depress you when I did that.
To the extent there are similarities between our Hs, I would just offer for where you are today, not knowing if/how to push the "cut off all contact with AP" issue-- this isn't something you can really control. He will or he won't. (Or, he won't but he'll tell you he did.) I don't think you want him to feel coerced into doing it-- in fact, this is what my H is saying now about the last two times, he felt he had to do it but it wasn't what he was choosing of his own free will. This could be the same with your H. You could push the issue and he'll probably cut her off, but you don't know that he'll hold to it. Or, you could accept the fact that he may or may not choose to cut her (and the possibility of her or what she represents) out of his life forever, and decide you're OK with that for the time being. Or, maybe you're not OK with it at all and he needs to go.
If you decide to keep the status quo for the time being, maybe there are other ways you can communicate to your H that your relationship-building phase is on hold until he boots the third party out of your marriage for good. I don't know what might make sense to you, but maybe no more R talks, no more MC, no more loving wife, no more talk of renovating until you feel secure she's gone for good. Maybe you can just say that to him straight up. H, I'm not ready to bail on our M right now. But you need to realize that we can't productively work on our M until you have conclusively ended all contact with OW and put some safety measures in place to ensure she doesn't contact you again. I understand you don't feel ready to do that right now. OK. But I'm not in a place where I can focus on our future together or work on building up our emotional intimacy with her still in the picture in any way. So, please understand that I can no longer (whatever) until we get past this. Thanks. And then.... drop it. Let it go. do your own thing until he's stopped procrastinating and done what he needs to do. Don't bug him about it. If he wants to know why you aren't participating in whatever things you put on hold until it has been done, simply say, I can't do that until I am certain that the third party is no longer in the picture. (or even better, I can't do that and let him fill in the blanks as to why.)
He needs to realize that he screwed this up with his bad behavior. if he hadn't embarked on an EA with this woman, he could probably still be her friend and be your H. He's sank that particular possibility with his own bad choices. That isn't on you. And he needs to actually try to sit in your space for a moment here and understand just how damaging and hurtful it is for him to have any contact with her at all. I mean, honestly.
Also, I know I keep harping on the transparency piece but that feels like a really big red flag to me. I am having a hard time believing it was just an EA (though that could just be my own sitch talking, but I believed it fully until he came clean on it) and the denying of the texting in real time feels really scary to me. I feel like to the extent there are still potential secrets-- even just you doubting that there aren't more revelations to come, since you've had to pry every truth out of him by confronting him with evidence, which obviously leaves you with doubt that there was more you just haven't uncovered yet-- that will be a block between the two of you to emotional intimacy. What does he say to that? How could he possibly justify lying to you when you are in reconciliation about texting with the EA when you caught him red-handed? How does he expect you to trust him in the future? He seems like he's denying the gravity of this situation and he needs to open his eyes, here.
Have you read MWD's affair recovery book? There is a chapter on what to do if your spouse won't end the affair. You might read it if you haven't. Marathon not a sprint and all the rest.
Originally Posted by Pommy99
Re the wedding rings - H put his ring back on a couple of weeks ago but I'm still not wearing mine (although I am wearing other rings). H hasn't mentioned it and I really don't want to put them back on until I feel like I am in a place where I can see that we are truly moving forward. I don't think breaking contact with OW would be the catalyst - I guess there would need to be a point where I feel that the threat of S/D is off the table and we are piecing.
This is exactly how I feel. I don't want to put my rings back on until I feel we are piecing. But I'm happy to have him wear his as a symbol of his own commitment to the process.
(((POMMY)))
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
