That's a really good idea, May. I think I will - though not today. Work is CRAZY at the moment and the covid-related news gets worse every day, which makes planning and strategy (a major part of my role) both extremely important and totally impossible.
I do think one thing has changed: we did, pretty consistently, seem to assume the worst of each other at all times. I think we both felt we had good reason for doing that - he was convinced I was going to get upset and angry and sad and demand soothing or long R talks whenever he set a boundary or did something I didn't like because I had acted like that for a long time, and now and again, still did (my 180s were never perfect, and never will be, given I am human). I assumed that when he was quiet and withdrawn I was only inches away from more of his anger and nastiness - and I also had really good reason to assume those things. But on both sides, they were assumptions and I think both of us were ignoring positive moments and good changes the other had made, and that was causing a lot of despair and frustration on both sides, so more withdrawal, distance, resentment and anger. I think what changed things was space. And I did sort of give up on him being any different, and became totally uninterested in a) changing his behaviour or b) explaining to him how it made me felt and c) exposing myself to it. All of this has happened without much in the way of talking between us. I make sure to express appreciation and gratitude when it is warranted, but I don't go overboard. When I have a boundary, I act it out in as few words as possible. There's little to no pursuing on my part any more, and he has in his own way tip-toed closer, and while I appreciate that, I no longer need it or rely on it.
I think this relates to trust, really. I don't trust my H to be consistently decent towards me - it's too early days for that. But I think this lack of trust isn't a fault in me, just.a sane and rational response to our shared history. There are lots of ways in which he doesn't trust me and I think he'd say the same. My lack of trust resulted in some controlling behaviour and reassurance seeking, which was unhealthy, then some very self-protective behaviour, which meant it was impossible for us to have the closeness that I wanted. But now I just take each moment as it comes and decide if what he is offering is something I want to be close to and engage with, or something I want to step back from. I take those decisions on a moment by moment basis, without trying to control what he is offering, or criticise it, or explain my own decisions. It's like a very slow and deliberate dance. What has changed, I think, is that I trust myself. I am making sane and rational decisions that are powered by curiosity - I want to see if we can find a way to meet each other's needs in a healthy way and be happy, as we once were, but in different ways. The decisions previously were powered either by self protection or point scoring or wanting to use my boundaries to control him. This is different. I think what made it different is that I trust myself. I trust my judgment, I trust my ability to meet most of my own needs, I trust that I am financially independent and capable of divorcing him if I need to. I trust I can make that decision and know when I am there when the time comes. So I don't feel trapped, which means the urge to make him do or not do something or hurry along this process because where I am now isn't tolerable to me has gone away.
