Reconciliation Rollercoaster (part 5)

[Pommy99]

Am I just a weak, whiny doormat?

Is that how you see yourself? Would you feel stronger if you stopped the "loving wife mode"? Would you feel selfish?

I'd feel like I was destroying the attempts at reconciliation, that going back into amicable, best friend mode would reinforce that we are nothing more than friends and that we cant connect. But equally, when will he see that not breaking contact with OW is destroying any potential for growth in our marriage. He just doesn't get it - he says "I don't want an affair with her" and "it's not like I'm going to meet up with her" when trying to justify not breaking contact. But he doesn't get the damage and hurt to me (even though he says he hates the lies and hurt that he has caused). He doesn't get that having both of us in his life is not an option.

You enforce the boundary when you truly believe it is the safest thing for you. At this point - it feels like you might still be creating this boundary for him.

If you know your H buries his head in the sand - you certainly can't stop him. But are you enabling his behavior?

How do you mean "creating this boundary for him"? What I feel right now is that he wont take any action because it's too difficult for him, and for whatever reasons, he doesn't feel like he wants to. I have two options - I apply pressure or I step back and remove myself from it. Last night he asked why I had gone quiet - I said I was reflecting on the MC session, to which he responded "I havent forgotten". I didnt say anything else as I dont want to apply pressure - I want him to initiate this and take ownership for it. And of course he hasn't forgotten - he's just not done anything about it. So it's now 7 days since he said "I know what I need to do". If the decision is that hard, doesn't that tell me something?

I see you putting a lot of weight on H to help you make a decision as to whether or not you are able or willing to continue with the MR. It is clear that he simply cannot make this decision for you and will continue to waffle under the weight of it. In fact, it is not fair of him to make that decision for you.

Sage, I think I understand what you are saying.....that I'm basing my decision on his decision? If so, what should I be doing? I felt that this was my boundary, that I will not stay in the M whilst the door to OW is left open. Am I dealing with this in the wrong way? From your perspective, what should I be doing/saying? I honestly feel blinkered right now - I can't see any other way than "I will not stay in this M with OW in the background" - but there is a dependency on him here, right?

MC told H the ball is in his court on this - that's when I felt, no, this isn't all about H and his decision, and H being in control - and that's when I stepped in and said I could make this really easy, that I wasn't prepared to continue with her presence, and I would walk away, not as a threat or an ultimatum, but that I had thought about where we are 18 months down the line, and it seemed that something was not going to change.

I have some thoughts and will share more later but just for $hits and giggles, thought it would be fun to copy and paste things your H has said to you that my H has said to me, nearly word-for-word:

Oh gawd, The Script!! The GD Script!!! Thank you for sharing - it actually made me really sad to read all of this. That's why I went quiet on H last night as I read it just before I got into bed. The "I'll deal with it" seems to really be a delaying tactic. Usually when H has to deal with something that is of importance to him (scratch on his car door, physio appointment, house repair) it gets dealt with verrrry quickly (and thoroughly researched). Right now, these are just words and no action. And like your H, he's talking about renovating the living room, he's asking me what I want for my big birthday in a few months time. He's replaced some home appliances and selling the old ones - I'm thinking, hey we might need two of those if we separate again, but he doesn't think like that. He seems quite happy to be home, with me, showering me with affection,...and brushing OW under the rug.

Re the wedding rings - H put his ring back on a couple of weeks ago but I'm still not wearing mine (although I am wearing other rings). H hasn't mentioned it and I really don't want to put them back on until I feel like I am in a place where I can see that we are truly moving forward. I don't think breaking contact with OW would be the catalyst - I guess there would need to be a point where I feel that the threat of S/D is off the table and we are piecing.