Reconciliation Rollercoaster (part 5)

[may22]

Hi Pommy!

I have some thoughts and will share more later but just for $hits and giggles, thought it would be fun to copy and paste things your H has said to you that my H has said to me, nearly word-for-word:

H was really reluctant to break all contact, saying he cared for her, wanted to know how she gets on with (xyz) and that he would let me know when he contacts her.

of course in my case it wasn't cancer treatment, it was life or whatever. And AP reached out once because her BIL died (when they'd broken it off before I even knew about her) and then in May dangled more "trauma" to H, which he bit on, and was that her sister's dog was killed. (H hates dogs. But I was being harsh when I was like, REALLY? Trauma??) So. not to be unsympathetic but I'm going to bet that if it wasn't cancer, it would be something else.

he knew what he needed to do, but that he just wasn't sure how to do it.

Yup. Every time. Word for word.

the reason he doesn't want to cut her off - and hasn't cut her off before now - is because he is still wondering, wondering if a relationship with her is better than a relationship with me, and whilst he keeps wondering, he will remain permanently stuck.

Since my H has no verbal filter, I got this one directly rather than through the MC.

he wasn't sure if my love for him was genuine, did I only start loving him again when I thought I had lost him, was it really love?

Same. Maybe I never really loved him. (FWIW I also wonder how much of my standing is love for my H vs feeling like someone was taking my toy away.)

We talked about EAP, and how they connected and had fun together (of course - he was living a single life, staying in hotels, eating out and drinking in the city, no kids to go home to, no homework, school run, tantrums, housework, no one to answer to about when/where/who with/how much $$.) He did actually go on to talk about her attention-seeking traits and that she was high maintenance, which was one of the things he didn't like about her.

Exactly. The other day, H was like, when was the last time we did fun stuff like this together? Dropped everything and just went out and had fun for us? (Um... when we didn't have kids.)

He has said multiple times that he will deal with it, but I know H, he will bury his head in the sand and hope that it goes away.

"I will deal with it"-- mmmhmmm. I got this a LOT.

He even said himself this week that my patience with him has been amazing and that he wouldn't have been able to be as patient with me.

This too. Although in my case I feel a little undercurrent of disrespect here, like "I wouldn't have stood for this BS."

Anyway. Hopefully this at least makes you feel like you aren't alone!! I'm right here with you, sister!

I have some thoughts about the loving wife mode, boundaries, cutting off all contact, etc. and will write more later. Did you talk to the MC about therapeutic disclosure or transparency? I still feel this is a potential issue from my perspective.