I have been spending more time over in the MLC forum, but thought I would post an update here and check in with you all.
Thanks for all the support following the birthday situation. I have been learning a lot about boundaries and how to put boundaries in place that protect my emotional well-being. It has been a work in progress, but I am slowly getting there.
H has a work trip coming up where he will be seeing the OW. I am trying to be brave about this fact, but it does trigger a lot of intense emotions in me. Last week, H and I had a conversation about how to break down the barriers between us to facilitate better coparenting and the OW and his continued lying to me about his relationship with her came up. He told me his love life is none of my business, which is true, but in the face of Covid, the stakes are very different.
I am working on a boundary here that protects the health of me and the children upon his return. Due to his lies and deceptions, I have to make the assumption that he will be physical with her and that changes what his return will look like for us in terms of quarantining, testing etc. If he were doing a work trip for another client, I would not have the same requirements.
During that conversation when we discussed the barriers to our best coparenting, H mentioned that he had read some journals that I had 'left open' (hahaha) and in one of them, written when I was 19, I explored my feelings for a BF at the time. He used that as ammunition to accuse ME of never loving HIM because I had told him I never had felt the way I did about anyone else other than him. Which is 100% true; H was the love of my life and I have never, ever, ever felt the way about anyone else as I did him.
We are approaching a year since my spidey senses alerted me to something not being right with H and his R with OW. Since that time, he has changed his narrative of why he was leaving me from: a list of all the things I did wrong as a human > H was miserable for a year > we never had a spark > wait! H has been miserable for 13 years! > we got married too young (haha, we married at a average age and both had completed our Masters') > I always made him feel guilty for traveling for work and I was too demanding when he was at work > I am manipulative, controlling and psychologically abusive (he has since rescinded these accusations) > I have never loved HIM (evident in teenage journals).
Most of this is complete nonsense, of course, but it has taken me a full year of listening to all of this, acknowledging my role, attempting to change my behavior, tiptoeing around, apologizing and trying to make amends for me to FULLY recognize that this is really not about me. And never was.
So in light of all of this, I am trying desperately to reclaim my sense of self-esteem, stop being scared of H's reaction and move confidently ahead in the direction of the life I am meant to live. Which at this point, seems very likely to be without H in it. Which makes me so, so sad. But I am slowly reaching acceptance that this person who I loved so deeply is just not the same person anymore and may never be again.
Filing for D does not make any financial difference to me at this point so I have no need to move things forward. In lieu of this, I am working on internally filing an emotional divorce so that I can try and heal as best I can.
