Reconciliation Rollercoaster (part 5)

[Pommy99]

Journalling

So last week was the mini-BD that EAP had reached out to H to let him know that she was critically ill, and H had replied and was caught red-handed in the midst of texting her, which he quickly deleted and lied about until I wouldn't drop it and he finally confessed. We actually had a nice few days after that (because I easily forget that he is a liar and quickly switch back into loving wife mode, even though I am wracked with anxiety that he is having regular secret contact with her). By day 6 however, I told him that I was no longer prepared to work on the M, go to MC whilst that door with her was still open. H was really reluctant to break all contact, saying he cared for her, wanted to know how she gets on with her treatment, and that he would let me know when he contacts her. I just shook my head. He later he told me that he knew what he needed to do, but that he just wasn't sure how to do it. That was 6 days ago.

Prior to MC I told H that I was confused about what I was feeling about him and the M in light of the lies. At MC we discussed the same, H seems very reluctant about breaking contact on the grounds that it dehumanizes him if he cuts her off knowing that she is ill. MC suggests that the reason he doesn't want to cut her off - and hasn't cut her off before now - is because he is still wondering, wondering if a relationship with her is better than a relationship with me, and whilst he keeps wondering, he will remain permanently stuck. MC suggested he write a letter, show it to me before he sends it, or get me to help him with it. H waffled a bit at which point I stepped in and said I can make this really easy for him. I will walk away from this M. I have been standing for this M for 18 months, and here we are 18 months in, dealing with the same lies, about the same woman. I can walk away knowing that I gave it my all, and I can hold my head high knowing that I acted with integrity at all times.

I honestly cant remember much else that was said, other than that the session ended on a very uncertain note, with MC acknowledging that I may not wish to attend any more sessions. There was a part where H said that he loved me, his life with me, that I offered calmness, security but he wasn't sure if my love for him was genuine, did I only start loving him again when I thought I had lost him, was it really love?

After the session H told me that he was worried because I had said I didn't know how I felt about him or the M anymore. I asked why that worried him and he said because it would mean we were over. He said he does know that he wants to try and to put the effort in, that he knows he has a lot to lose with me, he loves me. I'm the benchmark, but it's that missing piece - he just wants to feel like he is in love. He has a day out planned with a friend this weekend, 2 hrs away, which he has offered to cancel, because of where we are, and as a way to reassure me that he isn't up to anything untoward. I said that he didn't need to do that, that it's important for him to have time to connect with himself and do things for him.

I'm starting to question what love actually means, and whether what I feel is love. Do I really love him, or do I love the idea of him and the idea of us? He asked me if I ever imagined being in a R with someone else. Why is he asking me that? Does he need to feel that I would be OK if he left, or is he doubting that I really do love him? He said if I was questioning whether I love him or not, then it wasn't love - that I would know. I said no, you've made me start to question if what I feel is something other than what I thought it was, you've made me start to doubt myself. We talked about our past and how we've never had a really strong "in love" connection since we had children, did it even exist before that. We know what we both want to feel and are now questioning if we even had that when we got married?

We talked about EAP, and how they connected and had fun together (of course - he was living a single life, staying in hotels, eating out and drinking in the city, no kids to go home to, no homework, school run, tantrums, housework, no one to answer to about when/where/who with/how much $$.) He did actually go on to talk about her attention-seeking traits and that she was high maintenance, which was one of the things he didn't like about her. I agreed with him!

Right now, everything feels quite calm and low pressure. But it can change quickly. And there is still the elephant in the room about breaking contact with EAP. I don't want to push him too hard - it needs to be his decision. He has said multiple times that he will deal with it, but I know H, he will bury his head in the sand and hope that it goes away. How and when do I start to enforce my boundary? Do I start now (not going to MC, not working on the marriage). How much time do I give him to take action?

And I do easily slip back into loving wife mode, acting as if everything is normal, even when there's all this going on with OW and the lies, etc. It feels wrong to keep the animosity ongoing, yet when we switch back into being normal and affectionate I question whether I am just giving him a message that I am accepting his behavior and he can do anything with no threat of me ever leaving. He even said himself this week that my patience with him has been amazing and that he wouldn't have been able to be as patient with me. Am I just a weak, whiny doormat?