W has been evasive in joining the family for the routine dinners. Either she's working late or she has dinner appointments with colleagues and friends. She has lined up her programs to stay as far away from the kids and me as much as possible; she's even going to stay over at a friend's house over the weekend knowing fully I have classes on Saturday morning. The worst part of it is that she tend to give last minute notices; where we have already prepared the food and we are stuck with leftovers.
I took it in my stride whenever she drops the ball which I will simply replied "No worries". I shook it off and carry on with my life. I'm at this point where I'm assuming she's not eating with us so I will consciously cook lesser. I hate wasting food.
My buddies were telling me to spring a surprise video call when she stays with her friend; using my kids as a reason to making the video call. I thanked my buddies for the advise but I don't think I will do it because I don't want to use my kids as a tool for these sort of nonsense. If she cheats, she cheats. I will not snoop around to find out about it but if it falls on my lap due to her blunders then there will be consequences.
I still don't think I'm detaching enough because I have this fear that if I let go, she will take it that I'm giving up on the relationship and she's free to do whatever the hell she wants without the consequences. This fear is stopping me in my tracks. I'm not stopping her from doing anything now. It's my negative thoughts that is constantly nagging at me, "When will this madness stop? Do something man!""
"Doing nothing is something", I kept telling myself that. Physically I'm at my healthiest in my life so far; dropped more than 14KGs and stopped smoking and going for kickboxing and gym frequently. Emotionally I'm struggling like a fish out of water, flailing around gasping for breath but I do not show it in front of anyone; not even to my kids.
2020 is really a dark year so far. I really hope I can have an awakening soon so that I can breathe better and carry on with my awesome life. Putting all these nightmares behind me.
M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4) M-7, T-8 Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019 W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
