I want to be further along in this process than I am. I want to have consistently good, strong, happy days instead of a couple here and there. I don't want H to have so much power over my feelings and emotions. But I suppose that this was a big love for me. And the feelings surrounding a big love don't just disappear overnight.
Kindly is right. We give our spouse that power over us, and we can take it back.
Detachment, indifference, and letting go.
The underlying truth is H has no power over you. None. You have all the power, always have, and you are allowing H’s behaviour to influence you.
You control you. Your can directly control your thoughts, actions, and reactions. Through these you can influence your emotions and beliefs. Thought and physical action are powerful influences that can affect desired changes and stop reinforcing of emotions.
Big love is much more than feelings. And yes, it does not disappear quickly.
However, do not mix H’s influence and your feeling due to big love. “But I suppose that this was a big love for me” is reinforcing that “power” over you. You are telling yourself a reason for allowing H’s influence/power to persist. And your mind is listening.
Start with the easier part. This was a big love. In truth you aren’t looking to rid yourself of those feelings, right? It’s ok, you are seeking compassion and empathy. Accept that you can love H and let him go. Big sincere love may last a lifetime; see it for what it is.
Indifference will mute those loving feelings for a while. From my experience they return. So...
Do not tie that love, or the supposed requisite disappearance of it, to taking back your emotional power. These are two separate things.
Once you accept that you can let H go, you start taking back your power. And those good, strong, happy days start to become much more consistent.
Originally Posted by Sage4
But right now I am not sure what I am standing for. Can you help me understand what it means to be standing for me? Because in this place I am in right now, standing for me looks like cutting all ties with H, moving on with my life, being a killer single mama to my treasures and aiming for the bright future I believe I have ahead of me.
Indifference causes our stand to waiver. At first our standing is based upon feelings and fear. Indifference lessens the very feelings of why we “feel” to stand. Look to your beliefs.
Standing for me. Standing really starts once we are healed enough to stand down. To stand for our marriage, our spouse, our relationship will not find that strong purchase. You stand for you and your beliefs. And this takes time to figure out.
There is a period of limbo and indifference. It is somewhat purgatory-like and seemly endless. However, there is something beyond limbo. Stay the course and discover you in that future. That is standing for you.
Right now, it seems like you should cut all ties and move on with your life. Or do you mean, let go of H, give him to God, and move forward living a good life? The latter begets a strength and a stand.
Yes, be an awesome Mother and live a bright future.
Standing for you, is living those values and beliefs.
Standing for you is a personal thing and means different to different people. Until one is completely sure they are ready to stand down - stand.
For me. For the first while, standing is the default. I was too broken and hurt to do anything else. Eventually I healed enough that I could stand down. I chose not too. I chose to stand for me. To live my convictions. To be compassionate. To stand and find forgiveness and acceptance. For both W and me.
Standing is forsaking another special relationship. Standing for you, strengthens the relationship with yourself, with your kids, with God.
Originally Posted by Sage4
...being a killer single mama to my treasures and aiming for the bright future I believe I have ahead of me.
Standing for you, doesn’t get much better summarized than what you said.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
