Yes, the behaviour of an MLC spouse is quite bizarre. The complete opposite of who they once were.
These crisis people are emotionally dragged back to long ago torment(s) and pain, and relive that portion of their lives, over and over. They cannot face what happened or what they’ve done in attempt to run from their demons; blaming, projection, justifications, and so on.
Imagine, W is reliving as her 15 year old self. And she is married and has two boys both older than her, who are in college. Both of these “realities” existing together within her. Such confusion, she really cannot handle all of that. MLCers ignore and run. She “knows” she has kids and you, yet she cannot face that. Her emotions are cranked to 11, and she needs time and space to sort them out.
Her moments of facing reality bring with it all the guilt and shame of what she has done. That necessitates more running. It must be such a horrible journey to be on.
MLCers will expend incredible energies to maintain their fantasy. They have to.
However, they do recall, when their lives are quiet and still, like in the still of the night. Laying in bed, in the darkness, the demons come out to play. Lots of crisis people look sleep deprived; they cannot sleep and they use vices to avoid those quiet times.
My XW has texted one son at midnight and another five hours later at 5:00 am. She often looks haggard; I suspect her dreams are not pleasant.
The good and loving Mom, is buried under layers of guilt, shame, torment, and pains from long ago. As such, she can go for a long while without contacting her children, and when she does it is a shallow and empty conversation. These lost souls lose track of time, as they relive their pain and run. The world goes on, with them unaware of how much time is passing them by. As they try to make up for lost time, they loose so much more.
There is plenty to wrap one’s head around to make sense of MLC. A lot to accept. I found it a good path to seek understanding, compassion, and empathy. Give it time for these to grow and flourish, for if you attempt to rush you’ll drive yourself bonkers.
You are coming up on one year post BD - September 29th. W knows the date too. Plan to do something. If W calls, you got things to do and you’ll call her back, later. If she doesn’t call... either way you had a fun night out.
Take it on faith. The path of the LBS takes time to make sense of too.
You got this.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
