. Our journey started roughly a year ago and the reasons H is leaving our M have morphed over this time:
I had too many downfalls (heavy stepping being one of them, KML)
Lol! This just reminded me that my parting BD speech began with his displeasure of how I replace the toilet paper roll! Over or under people.....what’s the consensus?? Can you imagine...
At the time of BD we are waaayy to emotionally messed up to digest everything and weed through some of the nonsensical behaviour and words that are being said to our face. I remember early on trying to reason with him and point out all the things that didn’t make sense...that was before finding this resource and becoming “educated” on MLC.
I’m also reminded by your struggle right now of how intuitively wrong everything seems, the constant questioning (in our heads) the ah-ha moments of “it must be this...”. We don’t want them to go, But yet they are already gone. We want to let go, but still hold on to just a little bit.....
I too want to be further along, but try to remind myself of how far I’ve (We’ve) come. I also think our H’s are not allowing that right now either. They’ve dropped their bomb and now want to live a fantasy life without finalizing the exit plan details. H pops in and out when he wants, and of course you will have the tie with care for your children. When we truly let go of this alien person and hold out hope for their awakening...only then can we move further along...I think anyway....
The focus on what we can control and manage becomes the most important thing right now - OURSELVES. I’m trying to understand and be okay with the idea that some answers will come to me but some will remain unanswered ...that has to be ok or we’ll drive ourselves nuts. No?
Originally Posted by Sage4
Sigh. I want to be further along in this process than I am. I want to have consistently good, strong, happy days instead of a couple here and there. I don't want H to have so much power over my feelings and emotions. But I suppose that this was a big love for me. And the feelings surrounding a big love don't just disappear overnight.
I feel the same way. In my mind this one is a hard one to process because what you wrote above is normal, no one in a loving committed relationship can turn off emotions and flee the way our H’s have. Dnj is excellent at reworking words to help reframe a healthier way of thinking for us ...but my stab at it is:
We give them that power over us and we have to learn how to stop. It goes back to your analogy of the “boss” - we let people know how they can treat us and if we’re there to be walked over then that’s what they’ll continue to do. This is where boundaries come in - to help take back some of the “power” and then with it our emotions and feelings.
But then comes “big love” - I couldn’t agree more. Our marriages weren’t built in a day, a week, a month or even a year. Therefore, I still feel the path we are choosing to travel has to be “what it is”. That means good days, bad days, spewing, disagreements, hope, love, confusion, anger, fear, and of course walking loudly and putting the toilet paper on the holder wrong!!!! Lol!
We’ve got this Sage - through the ups and downs, good and bad. Sorry for the ramble on your page but I wanted to let you know you’ve got friends feeling the same way, wondering the same things and walking the same path...sometimes at a snails pace..and I’m trying to be okay with that pace...‘cause just maybe we’ll get to see and enjoy the beautiful things a little longer.
