Finding the man I want to be, alone. Pack_19 part3

[Pack_19]

hi all!

@Sandi I will drop the 15 days thing, thanks for your comment and my deepest apology if I made you frustrated, I have certainly made many mistakes with the no contact approach. It is very hard for me to go on in the presence of a failed M and cold W or XW or whatever she is now, I am drained by this situation.

I have been NC 8 days, yesterday I picked up the kids and said "hello, goodbye" only. I was upbeat but I was also the first one to leave. My IC told me to learn how to control the impulses to talk about R or with W and I am focused on that. I still have some thoughts about contacting W, but I breathe deeply and remind myself I am just being in the middle of the situation and doing nothing about M or D. I believe it was Unchien recommendation but I do feel I have a new ability to just let suffering get to me and live through it without reacting.

I ramped up sport last week (running, tennis and swimming) and this weekend I went out with some friends and tidied up some things at home before having the kids again. There has come a point when I dread interacting with W, I am sick of the disrespect and the coldness for over a year. If she cannot see the value in our M and family, I cannot push it into her brain and trying to was a poor decision I made.

I started a new book yesterday and today I have the third IC session. My friends have started to make jokes about how easily available I am to go out for a beer so I have been thinking about a couple of bike and home projects I can turn to when I am alone and there are not many social GAL plans.

I have thought a lot about me having a control problem and how that affects the way I interact with other people. As I said in the last post I have redirected my changes to the inner ones. I spend most of my empty time thinking about our past life and how much we have overcome being so young and parents in a foreign country. Maybe it is true I will never be the best thing that happened in her life but for sure we did achieve some quite unique things. I wonder if it is time I move on with my life and leave the door open, it seems I have been unable to separate myself from our M and the concept of a complete family. She knows if it were for me we would be working towards R already, with that I can sleep well and continue to detach.

Thank you all for the help you are providing me! I hope I am doing a better job at DBing now!