I see this interaction differently. You sought, and gave opportunity for H to be open and honest. Of course you received the non-answer behaviour you suspected (expected ?) you would.
Yes, this is right. I even said to him: this is your opportunity to come clean and not live a lie any longer! Wouldn't that feel better than what we are living right now? There are so many lies, mistrust and roadblocks between us that it is making co-parenting really challenging. Don't you also want to join me in clearing the path to being more amicable coparents?
But I also know that admission to another woman brings his whole house of cards tumbling down. He is no better than his father, whom he doesn't aspire to. It means that all the things he has told me about the reasons he is leaving don't hold water any longer. That to our large community and family he is the f*** up who left an amazing wife and four kids in pursuit of his selfishness. He cares too much what other people think-- he couldn't live this one down. The close friends who know that he has had an EA, he no longer talks to. And I would bet a million dollars that he has told no one about his dalliance.
Originally Posted by DnJ
You did not get permission from H with this interaction. You got permission from you. Permission to move forward and let go. It was never his permission you were seeking - it was your’s.
This made me cry. You are so right, D. It was, and always has been, my own permission I was seeking. But spending so long in the slog of 'what can I do to fix this? How can I better myself and not rock the boat?' has allowed me to dismantle my own knowing.
Originally Posted by DnJ
A few thoughts:
Why is your stand contingent upon what H feels? His feelings flit and reinforce quickly; they are cranked to 11. It is never a good idea to make decision based upon your feelings, it is way worse to base them upon his.
Why do you see this as either/or? Why do you see these as separate? Both are true and both are false. His feelings change constantly. Look to your beliefs for guidance, not H.
Yes, H is trying to get you to do the heavy lifting. To take the bait and get mad. He will push your buttons, hoping you will do what he “feels” will make him feel better but he cannot yet do from guilt or shame or whatever. The less pressure from you, the more time for him to reflect and hopefully work through “his” issues.
His issues and all the talking shots at you are from his inner turmoil and his unrealized past and it’s affect upon him. It’s MLC. It’s a messy process. It’s a destructive process.
Let go and seek your beliefs. Strengthen and craft those you want and admire, and alter or discard those you don’t.
Stand for you!
I believe my next steps are to put that NC boundary in place to give myself the space I need for healing (and NC for me should really be called 'dim or dark' as I have to communicate about the kids and our business, both of which I feel emotionally capable of). But right now I am not sure what I am standing for. Can you help me understand what it means to be standing for me? Because in this place I am in right now, standing for me looks like cutting all ties with H, moving on with my life, being a killer single mama to my treasures and aiming for the bright future I believe I have ahead of me.
Originally Posted by kml
Looking at his list, I’m gonna bet you five dollars right now that he has had an OW from the start of this.
I know the OW has had a hand in this from the beginning. Probably for at least a couple of years.
But then I question myself about the MLC vs is this just an exit affair? I mean the woman also has 4 kids, lives across the country and is hiding it from her H. I don't know how they could really make it work long term because there is no way the kids and I are moving and we already have our feet on two continents (in addition to grandparents in Canada and Mexico, which is hard enough to juggle as it is). Adding another location is ludicrous with the limited time H will be available to our children when he is not traveling for work.
Sigh. I want to be further along in this process than I am. I want to have consistently good, strong, happy days instead of a couple here and there. I don't want H to have so much power over my feelings and emotions. But I suppose that this was a big love for me. And the feelings surrounding a big love don't just disappear overnight.
