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[DnJ]

Hello Sage

Garland crafted from the best coloured leaves strung from the widows sounds lovely. Fall is a beautiful time of year.

Then my eldest brought up how they know H has a secret, that H talks to a woman late at night and it makes them really uncomfortable and it is one of the reasons they don't want to go to H's house.

Take away the power of the secret.

Thank your eldest for letting you know how Dad’s late night talking to another woman makes them (not just him) feel uncomfortable. Let them know it is now not a secret between us - you and them. They can ask or say whatever they need to about it, to you. You all know, so it’s not a secret here.

It looses its power this way. The kids are free from this draining feeling.

He told me he is not obligated to share anything about his love life (he's right), but I ended up asking him for the truth so I could have some clarity and closure. He refused that too and told me that he is not in charge of my closure or moving on (also correct).

Of course H clammed up and wouldn’t admit his fling or state the facts; the “truth” is different depending upon viewpoint.

However, I got the answers I needed: he has a love life to hide; and he has directly given me permission to create a boundary so I can find closure and move on (which for me is going to be NC, no hanging out at my home, no shared family events for the time being). Sad for me that I needed his permission for this. Something to work on from here on forward.

I see this interaction differently. You sought, and gave opportunity for H to be open and honest. Of course you received the non-answer behaviour you suspected (expected ?) you would.

You did not get permission from H with this interaction. You got permission from you. Permission to move forward and let go. It was never his permission you were seeking - it was your’s.

You have given yourself permission to create those healthy boundaries and move forward (not move on, not yet, dig deeper, I know you got more within you). Go NC, no hanging out at your home, and such, just like you said.

You are not sitting around being Plan B. Let him go and let him feel the loss of you.

Sorry about H reading you private journals. His “interpretation” is crafted to further his justifications. It is projection of his past pain upon you, for he cannot face it upon himself. Oh, a person in crisis is such a mess.

But help me, wise ones, as I ponder this from the MLC perspective: is the arc of his narrative reflective of his inner turmoil, or is he truly trying to get me to be the one to leave him and keeps taking stabs at whatever he thinks may work? I will stand for the former, but would likely give him want he wants if it's the latter.

A few thoughts:

Why is your stand contingent upon what H feels? His feelings flit and reinforce quickly; they are cranked to 11. It is never a good idea to make decision based upon your feelings, it is way worse to base them upon his.

Why do you see this as either/or? Why do you see these as separate? Both are true and both are false. His feelings change constantly. Look to your beliefs for guidance, not H.

Yes, H is trying to get you to do the heavy lifting. To take the bait and get mad. He will push your buttons, hoping you will do what he “feels” will make him feel better but he cannot yet do from guilt or shame or whatever. The less pressure from you, the more time for him to reflect and hopefully work through “his” issues.

His issues and all the talking shots at you are from his inner turmoil and his unrealized past and it’s affect upon him. It’s MLC. It’s a messy process. It’s a destructive process.

Let go and seek your beliefs. Strengthen and craft those you want and admire, and alter or discard those you don’t.

Stand for you!

Do not “give him what he wants”. You look to yourself and do what you believe. And you take the time to ensure your beliefs are one’s worthy of you. Worthy of the awesome women you are, and the version you will become.

You’ve got plenty of time; it is a gift, use it well.

D