D, what a lovely way to reframe and readjust our mental state: think about the natural world, our surroundings and tuning in to the comfort of the cycles of our seasons.
The wildfire smoke that blew in from other areas has finally left our region and this morning it is rainy and fall-like outside. The children came inside from their first real outdoor escapade since the smoke with an armload of fall leaves in the most beautiful hues. We will make a garland out of the most beautiful ones to decorate the windows, as we do each year. Today's plans include tea with friends, picking up windfall apples and making applesauce and going for a walk in the woods. I love fall.
Originally Posted by Kindly
Do you find yourself trying to “make sense of it” still, find some kind of answers?
Oh Kindly, yes I do, all the time. Once I stop trying to understand and make sense of it all, then I will know I have truly moved on. When my phone browser is filled with open pages of recipes, kids' activities and my usual psycho-spiritual explorations instead of search results for 'MLC husband' and mental conditions, then I will KNOW I have well and truly dropped the rope. But I am not there yet. I am not sure it is doing me any good (see my journal notes below), but my rational mind needs some threads to cling on to remind me that it is not my fault.
Originally Posted by Kindly
But wow, that makes me think what kind of power, and mind control we must contain to be able to influence, change and control someone’s authentic self! ....is it even possible??
Kindly, thank you for this reminder this morning. You are absolutely right. And this comment of yours leads back into the framework of it being about them and not about us. Because I do not believe that we are capable of that level of mind control (how scary if we were!). And who would want that power anyway? That would be a very lopsided and awkward relationship and I doubt I would be attracted to someone who let me control them so much.
Journaling...
This week was a hard one. It began with how long it took me to emotionally recover from the birthday visit with H. I got my strength back and then we had to interact for a homeschooling situation where I was really let down by H (he promised availability a long time ago for a critical transition, but then during the event he got distracted by work without telling me and spewed at me when I asked him to please, please help me like he said he would).
Then my eldest brought up how they know H has a secret, that H talks to a woman late at night and it makes them really uncomfortable and it is one of the reasons they don't want to go to H's house. I wrote H a long email about all of this, didn't send it, but woke up the next morning needing some discussion around it all. So I asked H if we could talk and it started about our child, but ended up about us.
He told me he is not obligated to share anything about his love life (he's right), but I ended up asking him for the truth so I could have some clarity and closure. He refused that too and told me that he is not in charge of my closure or moving on (also correct). However, I got the answers I needed: he has a love life to hide; and he has directly given me permission to create a boundary so I can find closure and move on (which for me is going to be NC, no hanging out at my home, no shared family events for the time being). Sad for me that I needed his permission for this. Something to work on from here on forward.
In our conversation, H mentioned that I had left some old journals 'laying around open' and he read one from 21 years ago when I was a teenager exploring my feelings for a BF at the time. H used this as evidence that I never really loved him because I told him I only ever felt that way about him. So I must have been lying and not loved him all these years. He also found a more recent journal 'open' and this was an exercise given to me by a healer about putting energy and intention into your future self when you are wallowing in your present pain. So I wrote about the things I wanted in a R. This also was used as an example of how I must not really have ever loved him.
Our journey started roughly a year ago and the reasons H is leaving our M have morphed over this time:
I had too many downfalls (heavy stepping being one of them, KML) > we never had a spark > I was miserable for the past year > wait! I was miserable our entire relationship > we just don't click > you made me feel so much guilt about leaving the family for work > you are manipulative, abusive, controlling and always have been > actually, this is because YOU never loved ME!
Of course, there is a lot in-between, and then the randomly sprinkled reconciliation attempts were also in there, when the slate would be wiped clean for a moment.
But help me, wise ones, as I ponder this from the MLC perspective: is the arc of his narrative reflective of his inner turmoil, or is he truly trying to get me to be the one to leave him and keeps taking stabs at whatever he thinks may work? I will stand for the former, but would likely give him want he wants if it's the latter.
