Reconciliation Rollercoaster (part 5)

[Pommy99]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2896359&page=1

Quick summary

12 months of limbo Mar 2019-Mar 2020. “Confused” WAH; on/off EA, ILYB
Separated Mar 2020, in COVID lockdown the whole time
May 31st 2020 WAH asked me to take him back
June-present (Sep 2020) - reconciling, honeymoon period for 8 weeks then back on the rollercoaster.

Currently having MC and IC. Seems to be two steps forward and 1.5 steps back. H is still struggling with missing feelings although doesn't want to stop trying. EAP reached out to him at the start of the week and dropped a massive bomb on him. I was angry that he didn't block her like I had suggested he may want to do. And more angry that he replied to her then lied to me about it. I feel like the trust counter is set back to zero. I don't feel that I want to talk about it again until we have MC next week. I want to put in place a boundary that could see me calling time on my M. It's not something I want to do, but I think there becomes a point where I have to.

On the positive side, we did our Sensate Focus 'homework' this week for the first time - it was really nice. H was grinning from ear to ear afterwards (and just to clarify, this is stage one so it is sensual and not sexual touch in any way). next day, H came away from his session with the MC in a more positive and focused frame of mind. He's definitely been more loving and putting more effort in to connect in small ways. I did say 2 days ago I needed a break from talking about the M or R and that I felt I had forgotten how to have fun. So I've kind of backed off and H is being more forthcoming. I know I am guilty of piling pressure on the relationship and that this makes H feel like he's failing. So I think I've released the pressure a bit for the both of us. Last night I got glammed up and went out with some girlfriends for a few drinks. H pounced on me when I got home - first time in 5 weeks !!

Pommy needs to take care of Pommy. You can't rely on your H right now, unfortunately, to lean on. He's half baked and he needs to finish up his own baking before he is whole enough to really help you deal with your own hurt and fears and insecurities (that he caused, yes I get it, it is totally unfair). Waking him up at 3 am might make you feel better in the moment but probably doesn't really help you to feel more secure or trusting or loved in the long term. It also probably doesn't help HIM to deal with his own stuff if he also feels insecure about losing you if he doesn't respond appropriately in the moment, which is a lot of pressure especially if you're totally confused like he is.

One of my trouble spots is lying awake in the night and stewing over things. I get more and more anxious and restless. I just thought rolling over and hugging H (didn't actually wake him to talk or anything) would help get rid of the negative thoughts. But you are right May, I need to be able to self-soothe, and learn to control my thoughts without relying on H as an antidote.

therapeutic disclosure was posted on my thread as an idea, and I read up about it and it might be a good suggestion for your H too. A lie about something that happened 18 months ago is still a lie. It is totally relevant. He's still controlling the narrative by picking and choosing what to be honest about, and that isn't fair to you. Also the extent to which there are still lies between you-- and he is still actively lying about things whether they are past or present-- that is inhibiting the ability of you two to reconnect. He's got to figure out how to be fully transparent and recognize that if he wants to R with you, the consequences of continued lying are worse than the consequences of telling you some things that you may be angry about.

I am angry about the lies because I am damm sure there are more. The fact this week I have been dealt new lies/new information has caused a massive setback. All that happens when he lies is that I have to fill in the blanks myself - and inevitably the 'worst case' scenario is pretty detrimental for the M. I'd like therapeutic disclosure as a way to wipe the slate clean, and it might go a long way to being able to begin to restore trust. I will think about this ahead of next week's MC and perhaps raise it with the MC. I'm jotting down things this week about my feelings and challenges.