Finalizing D and moving on #5

[Mumin]

Previous thread

Short recap:
Me: 34
STBXW: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019 (I start wondering about OM)
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
I filed for D: 29th March 2020

Now.
-I am living in the house 100%. She is living 50% with OM.
-We have a meeting to finalize the financial aspects of D on the 29th of September
-She is "less" Wayward and acting cordially towards me. Good for co-parenting.

Most recent post from AnotherStander:

You're recovering. Right after BD you excuse all the bad treatment and blame yourself for it. Then you come to realize that her bad treatment of you is a reflection of her character flaws, not yours. But the feelings are still there (I think this is where you are now). Then eventually the feelings fade and you're left with an honest, unflinching appraisal of who she has become, and most likely it won't be someone you're interested in. So don't beat yourself up too much trying to sort it all out, it will come with time. It took about 2 years post BD for me.

Thanks AS this chimes very well and its great to be reminded about the time aspects of this. Im not even a year post BD.
Also LH, great perspective! No one know what the future holds!


As summary said I have booked a meeting to finalize the financials of D.
REALLY hoping she agrees to what we have said so far.
I have some plans for the house but waiting till its final.
After, I could legally ask W to move out immediately but I wont. Not sure how long I should give her.

Journal:
Last few days have been good. I have actually thought quite a lot about W and our R but mostly contemplating and it hasnt really brought my mood down.
Today my parents are coming to spend time with me and the kids this weekend. Should be great!
Will also play golf with some colleagues tomorrow which I am really looking forward to!
Having a hard time getting real commitment at work. Corona and being fairly good at my job isnt a good mix.

W bought a new pair of shoes that cost almost a third of her monthly income after tax... Shoes!
I dont mention these things to her at all. But if she starts to back down on the house valuation we agreed on I sure will.

This morning I told the kids that they will meet a new babysitter and W heard.
First W seemed angry and commented something like "Why not tell me. I would like to know whos spending time with my kids". I explain its a very safe person and told her how I know. Later she sort of asked if she can use that babysitter too and I just said that is up to her (the babysitter).

REALLY hoping D will be complete by the end of this thread.
Early November one of us must send in a confirmation of the D and I intend to do it ASAP.
Wondering if I should have a "last talk" with W but that might as well be after the D.
Right now I am absolutely leaning towards no talk.
Will update my FB relationship status to single but I am no longer that eager to get on dating apps.
Time will tell. Like you said LH No one knows the future.

[LH19]

What would this last talk be about?

[Mumin]

Thank you for commenting LH! Are you updating your thread/sitch as mentioned?

I am not sure really. As mentioned I have thought more about just doing it and moving on.
In one part probably about us as a couple and whether this is what she really wants/wanted. I have never really asked that.
Things that could also be brought up but probably shouldnt:
- mention what I see as my faults in our R
- how much she hurt me
- co-parenting stuff
- my view on new partners in relation to kids
- etc

Thinking about this it makes me more confident that no talk is better, but I contemplate for the next few weeks.

For how long she will stay here is probably something I should focus on more.
What am I ok with? How do I draw the line?
To my knowledge she STILL hasn't talked to her bank and hence probably hasnt actively looked at buying anything.
Rentals are basically out of the question where we live, unless you are extremely lucky.

[LH19]

M,

I would speak of nothing other then coparenting. You used the number one power move in the book and she didn’t flinch. In poker terms you went all in and got instantly. You can’t pull your chips back out.

You guys will be intertwined for many years. Time to lay down your gun and walk away. She was having an affair on your wedding day M and that speaks volumes of the person she is right now.

Keep moving forward!

[Mumin]

Thanks LH! I know youre a proponent of the last talk so I really appreciate your perspective.
She doesnt deserve any of my time!

Forward it is and I am lookiong forward to it!

[MrBrside]

Things that could also be brought up but probably shouldnt:
- mention what I see as my faults in our R
- how much she hurt me
- my view on new partners in relation to kids
- etc

You are dealing with a WW.. whatever she says one day will change days later to suit her own selfish agenda.. IMO, save yourself the hassle and spend the time / energy else where. Obviosuly you need to discuss the children, but its not something i would do in person - get it in writing with an email - that way, you have a paper trail, for when she changes her mind.

For how long she will stay here is probably something I should focus on more.
What am I ok with? How do I draw the line?

To my knowledge she STILL hasn't talked to her bank and hence probably hasnt actively looked at buying anything.
Rentals are basically out of the question where we live, unless you are extremely lucky.

IMO she is still living in her cake eating world - She is so wrapped up in her selfish ways, ( ie lets blow money on shoes ) that these things dont cross her mind - because she probably expects you to be there to bail her out, even after the D... ie she gets her payout, then will slowly drag her heals in living with you / OM as when when it suits.. She will probably throw in, you cant kick me out because of the kids etc - ie you become the bad guy.. - Especially if she starts bringing the kids into the mix - ie Daddy kicked mummy out..

My take would be to be solid for the children, but not be pushed over by her.. Once the D and house paper work is rolling, get the solicitor to make it clear she should leave the property with X days of receiving her money.

[LH19]

You see this is how things can get misconstrued around here. I suggested it to core because his W seemed to no longer be in an affair and had at least mentioned reconciliation. No last talks when someone is in an active affair.

[DejaVu6]

Why would you want her living with you post divorce? I agree with MrBrside. Get a move out date written into the agreement. You need to move forward and that is difficult to do with your XW still in the home. Trust me Mumin...there is life after divorce, especially at your young age, and it can be a great one!!! (((HUGS)))

[SteveLW]

Will update my FB relationship status to single but I am no longer that eager to get on dating apps.

What is the purpose of the relationship status change? You aren't single yet, legally. This feels like a passive-aggressive move. Like when a LBS removes their wedding band in order to "wake-up" their WAS.

EDIT: Or did you mean you will do this post-D?

[ovrrnbw]

Good update Mumin. Hope you're doing well.