Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[Pommy99]

Finally... wasn't he in touch with her on WhatsApp before? My H told me that they used WhatsApp because it is totally secure and everything deleted gets deleted forever. Wondering if there was some action on WhatsApp that you wouldn't be able to see, not just the few texts. Not to freak you out.

Yes WhatsApp was their primary tool for chat. I know there would've been deleted WhatsApp threads. What upset me was that he lied about how long he had been NC with her before he came back. If I'd known he was still calling her "baby" two weeks before he came back (and only a week or so after he'd come back the first time) then I would probably have responded differently.

What is so scary if he walks away? Why is it so terrible that he won't be in your life? Isn't it scarier to have a liar and a cheater in your life? Just playing devil's advocate.

I guess like most of us here, we still see some good in our WAS. He wasn't always a bad person (or a person who made bad choices). As much as I'd love to make him a villain so I could detach more easily, I know he's not all bad.

Is there a way that you can do a version of NC in the house? Create that distance? Obviously a S makes the NC easier as it eliminates the physical part of it.

I don't think NC is the right approach right now - unless I'm telling him that recon is off the table (which at the moment I'm not).

Then I set a boundary on myself to not talk about it until the trigger has truly passed. Sometimes this is really difficult as a certain trigger can put me on a rollercoaster for a day or two. . For you - if that means not talking to your H for a couple days.. so be it. If it means you take a weekend away from the sitch - so be it. I feel confident that you can find ways that work for you.

I do need to manage my triggers better, and find a way to suppress my hurt and anger, and deal with it at an appropriate time. Unfortunately I cannot rest until it is off my chest - that might be 3am or in the middle of the working day. I know Steve85 would say he should be able to tell me he's having an orgy and I will not react. I'm not in that place by a long way.

There seems to be a lot of tension. I would work on detachment (such a DB thing to say)...but seriously just calming down would be huge.

It would be huge. I got to the point yesterday where I said I don't want to talk about the relationship, I've had enough talk, I've forgotten what it feels like to have fun and not be emotionally dragged down. I had a nice day and felt calm. During the night I started to feel angry. I rolled over and spooned H and he held my hand - I thought trying to generate some positive feelings in me would help. It did. Early dawn, H heard me sighing and rolled over and spooned me. So that all felt nice.

I was going to suggest to stop MC and any relationship talks etc. until the OW issue was addressed. Things will not and cannot get better until she is out of the picture and he has grieved their relationship.

H and I had a fight this morning. I dragged up something from 18 months ago. I found new evidence today because it had been bugging me (about whether he had taken a day off work to be with her, which he'd always denied. He had admitted a long time ago they'd met for lunch but had always maintained he'd needed to go to the city for an extra day for an important meeting. For him, no work = no pay). This morning, I looked at his work calendar and sure enough he had taken the day off. I gave him about 4 opportunities this morning to tell the truth and he lied until I showed him. H got angry that I was on his work laptop, and also dragging stuff up from 18 months ago as it was meaningless now. He said he lied because he saw no point in causing more arguments because it was so long ago. I honestly don't know why I needed to do that? Why am I dragging up stuff from 18months ago? Why is it still bugging me? I guess I was manipulating him to test if he is still capable of lying to me, and will continue to do so, unless presented with evidence. I admitted that I had done it to test him. He said it's so far in the past it's not even relevant, whereas I feel that it is still very much part of the present - here we are 18 months later and she's still here. During his solo MC yesterday, he was again told that he cannot connect with me while that door with OW is still open. We haven't discussed it and I'm dropping it for a few days. I just don't want any R talks right now.

H asked me what it means now that I know he lied again. He said he felt like he'd ruined everything again by lying, and it undoes eveything he has been trying to do, he looked completely deflated and beaten down. I avoided answering. He later came up behind me and hugged me and said sorry, told me ILY. (I haven't had an ILY for a few weeks). The good news is that I've managed not to over-analyse. I feel a little bit more in control as I know I'm reaching a make-or-break point. Still struggling to know how to respond to him in the meantime (be loving and try and have a fun weekend, or be more ambivalent and GAL all weekend).