Finding the man I want to be, alone. Pack_19 part3

[Pack_19]

DBing is about getting past your feelings. Your feelings will deceive you and make you do things you think you should, but are actually detrimental. For instance, you say:

"My biggest mistakes with W were in not being there for her all the times she tried to tell me how she was struggling and putting myself on her shoes, I am trying to do that now. "

This is a good learning, and definitely an opportunity for a 180. BUT, this is not something you should be trying to do with your WAW right now. Lots of LBSs get trapped by this. DBing says, let her go. Move on. GAL. 180 on bad behavior and detach. But because the main complaint from the WAS is "you weren't there for me", we throw aside DBing principles and pursue, pressure, and smother the WAS which drives them faster and further away.

I like to use the analogy of someone trying to feed you after you've just stuffed yourself. "No thanks I just ate." Oh come on! There is room for more! "No really, I am stuffed, I couldn't possibly eat another bite." But I made this just for you, just a small serving!

That's annoying isn't it? But that is exactly what LBSs do to their WAS. WAS: "I am full of you and don't want anymore." LBS: "But here! Let's do this, let's go here. Let's discuss things. Can I get you anything? Here is a present! Talk to me! LET ME GIVE YOU MY ATTENTION!"

Same dynamic.

Hi Steve! Thanks for following up with me! It is indeed very hard to avoid those Mr fixer thoughts and impulses to show the 180 in a R, when the truth is there is no such R. I have been thinking a lot about redirecting myself towards inner improvements, remove all pressure and pursuit and fix the problems in me that let them happen at the same time that I give her the space and time needed.

I am also becoming more and more hopeless as time goes by and I think we have been living S for almost a year now. I know I shouldn't look at the clock, but focus on my changes and GAL but it is very hard to avoid these thoughts. Maybe a big 180 for me can be to switch them for patience, as you say, as long as I am breathing I have time to change and improve.

Doing nothing always feels counter-intuitive to what we "feel" we should do. The best course of action in regards to our WAS is usually doing nothing. They expect us to pressure and pursue. They've girded up their loins to fend it off. BD was not an over night decision, it took long months, even years, of realizing that they were going to hurt you by destroying your world, but once they've gotten past that then their capacity to continue to hurt you is off the chart. The goal for the LBS is to not give them anymore opportunities to hurt you. You accomplish that by not pressuring and pursuing at all. And you accomplish that by doing nothing.

It isn't giving up. It is giving them what they've asked for.

"giving them what they've asked for", true love, not the selfish and childish behavior I have shown. I am going to hit the gym now and later today will go out with some friends. I took the kids yesterday to have pancakes in the afternoon and we had great fun. When I returned the kids I said goodnight and walked away. Then I went for a run, I had so much pain in my head I smashed my 10 km PR again. The days go by, I am doing nothing regarding my MR, letting pain and panic invade my body and run through it and working on GAL and inner changes.

Thanks a lot Steve, how noble to be able to move pass the pain a WAW causes, forgive yourself for the one you caused, and actually use that pain as fuel to let her go and catapult your changes to be the best you can be. I hope I can be there one day.



@Mumin

Read Sandis list and boundaries threads again.
Read No more mr nice guy.

Hi Mumin, consider this done. One of my biggest goals for these days to calm down and do nothing is to go back to my books.