More and more I realize I haven't let go of H saying in that last interaction, sarcastically, "Welcome to the real world!" All of these irrational jabs he makes--when I don't take the bait and respond, I know that is right. But if I am angry about that still, I wonder if I should have put a boundary in place there, which would have been walking away from the conversation if he is going to leap to comments like that.
Good on you for not taking the bait!
More on boundaries for you.
H needs to vent. He is angry and is venting. As well as projecting. His “Welcome to the real world” is really directed at himself. He just cannot face it. He cannot be wrong. His mind/emotions just cannot accept certain things right now. Seriously, he is a messed up dude.
Letting him vent - a bit - is actually a good thing. If he is going on and on, and calling your disparaging names or other derogatory titles and references, that is not ok. It’s a little bit of stick and stones thinking.
Your best and strongest boundary is your shield. Mental assertiveness. That brightly polished shield. You know H is messed up, in MLC, doing all manner of crazy stuff - He cannot hurt you!
He cannot hurt you!
It’s true. His words are just words. You control you. Be indifferent to him - shield. Let him yammer on. Who cares. Nothing he says can really hurt you. Your boundary is your mental understanding of what he is going through, and seeing the truth beyond his words. It’s about him.
He cannot hurt you! (I figure three times is pretty reinforcing )
You have a sharp mind. Your sword is sharp. You shield is strong. Use it. Use them.
You wisely are keeping quiet. A lesson learned from being reasonable and stating your plan on remaining. Negotiating with a MLCer takes finesse. They need to feel like it is their plan or decision. Like they are in control.
The joint checking account. It’s joint. Go to the bank and get the statements. You might have to pay for them, so what. I would also get yourself access to your account. It is a joint account after all.
As kml said, perhaps having each half of the rent taken directly from each of your individual accounts would be a good course of action. It’s clean and easy to implement with H. No explanation or rules about depositing on time or anything; it between him and the landlord, and nothing to do with you.
Originally Posted by cardinal
I'm not sure if I'm standing any longer or not some days. I think it's more that I am done holding out hope, because I am more secure in knowing that H, in his current state, is not for me. There's no there there. I've fully accepted that there is no working on M with someone who has no interest in that, and who would first have to do much work on his own. It's much harder for me to imagine any future with H in it (or to want to imagine that sometimes, because of all that's happened), but, at the same time, I'm not closed off to unknown future possibilities.
Standing really starts when one is healed enough to stand down.
I do understand and empathize with everything you said here. From a friend:
Yes, you think (and feel) you are done with hope. What do you believe? And what do you want to believe?
Hope is just possibilities, those positive ones. There is always hope! For there are always possibilities.
Of course, you do not want current H. No more than I want my current XW. You have fully acccepted there is no working on M with someone like H. Have you accepted that M is dead? There is no M. Anything future will be a new one, a new R, a new M.
Yes, it is difficult to imagine a future with H in it. Same here with XW. And yet you are not closed off to the possibility. Same here as well. By the way, that it hope.
Standing really starts when you are healed enough to stand down. What do you want to believe? Strengthen, craft, alter, discard.
Stand for you.
(And as kml said, D is business and for protection if you need it. You can D and stand. You can do both. Best if you let H own it, if you can.)
Look hopefully towards your future. It is bright. Believe it.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
)
