Fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity

[cardinal]

Geez, H is already balking at splitting the pest control bill, though he backed down right away and said okay, sure, not a big deal. I'm wondering if I need to make a list for myself of what I am willing to pay myself or not pay--more boundaries. For example, I will continue to pay for all pet expenses, since he's pretty much given up all responsibility for them, and it's another way of showing I have taken over full ownership/care. Do I continue to buy shared items like laundry detergent, kitchen supplies, etc.? I think it's not the small amount of money that matters to me on those--but I do sense a bit of resentment building there, in that his "Welcome to the real world!" echoes again, as I think, "Sure, buddy--the real world is one in which all household supplies don't magically get restocked right before you run out of them!" I realize that I just need to let that resentment go, and the larger resentment of the fact that he can "demand" I start paying joint expenses, but not do the D work or attempt an agreement or share financial info. Anyway, I don't want to be petty and add up every little "joint expense," like foil, but I also want to be careful not to give too much. Gosh, I'm sensitive about being walked over or taken advantage of by H, am going to really learn to understand and flex that boundary muscle.

Can you call the landlord and have them start deducting your half from your account and his half from his? Or are you worried he would stop paying?

I'm not worried he'll stop paying altogether, just that he'll get distracted and forget to pay by a certain date. Through his MLC so far, though, he's kept up with the bills the same as he always has, so maybe it's more the fact that this is just adding a little bit more to my mental load--i.e. the need to check the account and make sure he's put money there at the first of the month. If he did stop paying, it wouldn't be a big deal now that I will have a better job. I would be able to cover his half and then maybe have even more claim to the house.

Re: the savings - roughly how much money are we talking about here?

Not a huge sum--it started out at 27k before he admitted to there only being ~14k left after he (he claims) used it to pay off his credit card over the past year. Ls I talked to said this kind of thing (one spouse using joint money to pay off debt without informing the other) is common, and if it was debt he incurred during the M, even though it wasn't a joint credit card, even if I didn't know about the debt, that was fair game. They agreed I would want to get statements to confirm that 1) the money went to his credit card and not somewhere else and 2) that it wasn't for a substantial debt he racked up after separation.

I wonder if these feelings are my subconscious preparing me for being ready to drop the rope and move on. Whatever they are, for you and for me, we just need to take care of us.

Anger has definitely come in different cycles throughout the past year for me, PLC, and you're right: focus on ourselves and take care of ourselves in whatever ways we can. Don't feed the anger or resentment, I think--accept what you're feeling and let it move through you. Each step toward dropping the rope and toward acceptance for me has come with waves of different emotions, and each time, DnJ points that out. It's good to always have a reminder that it's normal.