Fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity

[cardinal]

PLC, Sage, I've been feeling and thinking about anger lately too. It's clear I was a bit angry when I wrote this last post, and I've been thinking about where that anger was/is coming from. On the one hand, I've come so far in acceptance of the situation that I no longer think much about what ifs. That question that comes up, that many asked me early on--you don't want to be with H as he is now, do you?--well, I have a clear answer to it now: No, I don't! Never has it been clearer that this is his journey. I am ready to leave him to it entirely. I don't want to live with him, either. I am ready for him to continue his journey elsewhere. All of that is contributing to a sense of impatience. I want my physical and mental space back. I've taken back so much through DBing over the last 14 months, but at the end of the day we still live together in the same small house.

Which tells me that maybe you're not quite ready to put up a boundary yet. Which is OK. You have good reasons to do what you need to do. Maybe you will need to put a boundary here (file for D) or maybe not.

You are right. I think part of my anger was in realizing I'm still not ready to enforce this boundary (by filing). And not for a noble reason like I 100% believe in my vows. That's part of it, but it's largely also wanting to avoid the cost, and knowing my filing would make him more unreasonable and probably wouldn't result in anything happening any faster. It's also me stubbornly thinking it's not *fair* for him to walk away from the M and leave me with the burden and work of filing. Sage, it's also a good reminder I don't have to have a boundary ready in the moment at all times. I can think about it and change my mind.

You cannot stop his behaviour. You boundary the disrespect. For example, leave the room when he is disrespectful. Period. Every single time. No exceptions. He speaks to you properly or you will go into another room, and he can talk to the wall.

You do not control H. You cannot stop his behaviour. You control you. Your boundaries’ enforcement is what you can control. Which are your thoughts, actions, and reactions.

One of the thing I see is indifference. You are indifferent while discussing and then that indifference falls away.

Also accurate. More and more I realize I haven't let go of H saying in that last interaction, sarcastically, "Welcome to the real world!" All of these irrational jabs he makes--when I don't take the bait and respond, I know that is right. But if I am angry about that still, I wonder if I should have put a boundary in place there, which would have been walking away from the conversation if he is going to leap to comments like that. I wouldn't let anyone else talk to me that way, but not to respond was another choice I made in the moment--to let it go so that I could get in and out of the financial discussion, which was fairly agreeable to me, as quickly as possible. This is a slippery slope for me. If my long-game is a low-conflict D (as much as is in my control) and keeping in mind what I want/need in the outcome, knowing that there is more chance of different aspects working in my favor so long as he files, because it's his idea, or if he decides to leave on his own... for instance, when he told me (again) in July he intended to file and move out, I told him I was intending on staying just because I thought we were both stating our plans. He seemingly took that as a challenge and reversed course. So I am trying now to let him think everything is his idea if it benefits me, and to say as little as possible because he will understand anything as antagonistic.

Now it appears he is no longer depositing his checks in our joint account. I think this is fine, because I'd already set up my own and was planning on no longer depositing my income in the joint once I start paying half of joint expenses in October. I do wonder if I will now have to remind H to deposit his half of the rent into the joint account on time, so that there is always money there when rent is automatically deducted. Seems like something else I will be responsible for keeping track of.

There is also still the issue of whatever remains in the joint savings I can't access. Of course H has never given me any of the financial docs I requested in July. One boundary is that I will refuse to discuss any agreement or negotiate with him until I have all the information I am entitled to. Now that it appears we're separating most other finances, should I bring up that the savings still needs to be divided? Again, even if he agreed to divide it, I would need to see statements first, and he is obviously not in a hurry to give them to me. So I've been thinking I might as well wait and not say anything about the savings now, because any pressure I put on H that has to do with this D process seems to make things worse. I keep telling myself that it's not like I'm going to let this go forever--either through mediation or with L, eventually, I will get the financial info, and I will go through statements to make sure all of the $ he took from savings to pay off what he said was debt from the M was in fact debt from the M, and not all the expenses he incurred after the date of separation.

Is that what you want? Is that how you want to live? Probably not. However, stand for you! Find your beliefs.

Vows, marriage, yourself, loyalty, for better or worse (you are in the worse right now), faith, hope, etc.

Stand for you.

You can outlast his MLC. He may not awaken. And he may awaken. No matter what, I guarantee you will!

Stay the course, it is for you. The outcome is so worth the struggle. You are worth this struggle.

Let go H. Give him to God.

Let H own his D, if that is what he chooses to do. You are prepared, and will deal accordingly, and businesslike.

Whatever is stopping H from filing for all these months has nothing to do with me or our M and everything to do with him, I believe. There are no indications he has any regrets or second thoughts. I'm not sure if I'm standing any longer or not some days. I think it's more that I am done holding out hope, because I am more secure in knowing that H, in his current state, is not for me. There's no there there. I've fully accepted that there is no working on M with someone who has no interest in that, and who would first have to do much work on his own. It's much harder for me to imagine any future with H in it (or to want to imagine that sometimes, because of all that's happened), but, at the same time, I'm not closed off to unknown future possibilities.