You both have questions about 180's and the Last Resort Technique- Can they go too far?
Look, the important part of doing a 180 is introducing the unexpected into your interactions. This doesn't mean that you should completely withdraw. Nor does the LRT mean that either. Doing the LRT means stopping the begging, pleading, pursuing, getting a grip on your own life and being more upbeat. But if your spouse starts to take an interest, that's a good sign and you should be available. Not clingy, mind you, but interested.
I think it might be tempting to back off completely and stop having contact because it might feel safer not to interact at all.But neither technique suggest your doing that. Re-read page 130. I wrote that if your spouse starts to show interest, readers should "Be loving in return, but do not become overly excited or enthusiastic."
But the bottom line is this, the proof is in the pudding. If your spouse is responding lovingly, you're on the right track. If not, you have to finetune what you're doing. Hope this helps. Do re-read the section on the last resort technique. Okay? Michele
So this is a post from michelle. Thoughts?
This is my opinion. From what I see Indy - you have a habit of pursuing of your W. When she gets hurt - you step in to protect her. Caring more about her pain than her own. How long were NC? A Couple of weeks? That is not enough time fore change. For You, For H, For anyone. No one turns a true corner that fast.
So 180s for you seems like they would be. Distancing from your w. Allowing her to feel her consequences and figure out her sh!t. Putting yourself first for change.
Obviously we weren't part of the 4 hour conversation but I didn't read anything that says your W was responding lovingly. In fact - wouldn't a loving response be to respect your wishes and no contact until her affair was over? Or to start the conversation with "I"m no longer with OM, Can we talk?" I am a very direct person but i feel like some version of that would have came out in a 4 hour conversation.
Again IMHO - Your W was continuing on with the dance you and her have created. I see you trying to do your part to change the dance - but when it gets intense - you jump back in. When you change the dance - you will get pressure from both you partner, and yourself because the change is so uncomfortable. Can you be brave all the negative feelings you have towards yourself. The Guilt. The Anxiety. The Uncertainty.
Can yourself give the gift of time to actually see how things will play out?
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
