Trying to keep hope

[MrBrside]

Do you think that trying to bust my divorce is a mistake and doing anything besides getting a divorce and moving on from W is a mistake?

IMO, the definition is open to interpretation.

You have made is very clear - your definition is

I’m here to try to save my marriage

And like i have said numerous times, on this post alone - we are came to this forum with that intention.
"Ooooh somebody tell me what to do to make my partner want me back" - AKA Magic bullet.

So 18 months ago, i would have agreed 100% with this statement - No matter what... And yes, in the early days, i would have also taken the roll as doormat - My sole intention was to win WW back..

This is where we differ. You have been here several months, but although you are trying to apply the things you read here, fear is ruling your decission process. You have never fully dropped the rope for one.. And even if you did, you would take WW back tomorrow without her doing any work...

Hence, your interpretation of DB is still

I’m here to try to save my marriage

At any cost - at the cost of your mental health, respect from others, self respect, the risk of future children - it doesnt matter.. You have one focus - Save the marriage.

My interpretation now is YOU YOU YOU ( or ME ME ME ) - and its about learning.. learning and more learning.

Its not about saving a marriage any more - its about focusing on you, and learning from the messups.. Then ensure you dont make them again next time around.. Weather it be the red flags you ignored, or not understanding your partner - from validation techniques to resentment - from love language to understanding ones own value. The list is endless, but i suspect 99% of people here overlooked this in their failed marriage.

Its been said time and time again, once the affair happens, the marriage 1.0 is dead - its gone.
There may be the oppertunity for Marriage 2.0, but if you dont address the issues that caused marriage 1.0 to fail, then 2.0 with fail. I have no interest in 2.0 with my WW, BUT i will take everything i have learnt here an apply it to ensure i dont go through this again when i meet the correct person..A lot of stuff i have learnt on here she shown me how not to date the incorrect people. 10 years ago i would have ignored red flags if they were amazing looking - now i see past that and see them for who they are..

This is where we differ though, as IMO, your primary goal is getting Marriage 1.0 back.. warts and all - you just want her back. Hence you will fail at DBing and it will go full circle.

Back to your initial question.

I dont think working on you is a mistake. I think your interpretation of busting your divorce is a mistake - a life changing probably one of the worst mistakes you will ever make - as i believe your WW will do it again.

You dont realise how lucky you were to see the true WW prior to kids, but ive said this time and time again - it will never sink in because "I’m here to try to save my marriage" mentality that you cannot see past..

Its a tricky one, but i suspect you are very codependant - maybe you see your wife as a 10 and you see yourself as a 4 or a 5.. Maybe you arent confident when it comes to meeting new women, so you would rahter settle - i dont know, but for some reason, you dont have the mental toolbox to see that regardless of these factors, WW sees no value in you, yet you still see her as somebody of high value - 4 hours says it all. thats 4 hours of life you wont get back, and that call wont bring anything positive to your life.

I think ultimately it's realizing that "divorce busting" maybe isn't meant to be taken literally. Divorce is not the end of a relationship. the end goal is not divorce busting, it's personal growth. We all come here try to save our M, but what we should be saving is ourselves first. Maybe we can all petition to change the name of the forum. ;P

Personal Growth is another great way to put it.

This is also why I feel my time is done because my recommendation to him goes against what the board is about.

LH, its rare i disagree with your comments. Today is the day i do - Your statement is wrong. There is nothing wrong with going against the title of a board - your core values and your contribution to helping people is amazing. I disagree it goes against what this board is about - its open to interpreation.. And i like your interpretation. I hope you reconsider.. Sometime people need a blunt reply / as it is - and you are the best at these